My Miscarriages Made Me

27/04/2017 17:27 | Updated 03 May 2017
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I never thought it would happen to us. You hear the word miscarriage, but you don't really hear it. It sort of goes over your head because why would it happen to you? And what really is it? I have to admit I knew the word but didn't give it much thought. People don't talk about miscarriages. They get swept under the carpet, like a secret that's best left untold.

Only it's not.

The more I talked about ours, the more I realised how many other women had gone through the same sadness. For some, it was the first time they'd ever spoken about it, and I could hear the relief in their voice as they said it out loud for the first time. For others, it was an insight into something they knew little about.

Some people assume we will be eternally scarred by what happened, but that's not the case. We don't feel like that. What happened to us broke our hearts, but it also healed them.

I believe our babies were a gift. They taught us so much without even being born. When we lost them we managed to find something beautiful amongst the heartache - we found that love will always pull you through.

In life, we have two choices. We either let sadness swallow us up and engulf us forever, or we choose to see the beautiful things that can come from it. Because there are beautiful things, you just have to let yourself see them.

When I look back I smile. I don't see loss. I see love. And I will always treasure the moments our babies let us know they were still with us, even after they'd gone.

I'm sharing what happened to us in the hope it might help others who have gone through a miscarriage. Everyone deals with things differently. But I do believe it's how you see things that can make a difference.

We never knew the sex of our babies, but we felt we knew so we named them. This gave them an identity. And when we talk about them they are as real as you or me.

We also said goodbye to our babies. We were lucky to be able to physically do this. But even if you can't, you can still hold your own ceremony. It wasn't until we did this that we could fully move on.

If you are able to, talk. Talk about your babies. You might just be surprised who it helps, and how it helps you.

Accept what's happened. Our babies weren't meant to live on this earth. They came for a little while and then they had to leave. Accepting that your baby has passed is one of strongest things you will ever do. It allows you space to breath, to move forwards and to cherish what you did have, while you had it.

Be prepared to hear things you don't want to. People will say all sorts of things to try and make you feel better. Sometimes those things are insensitive. We had comments from "there was nothing there anyway," and "are you going to get checked out?" to "oh, it happens all the time." Try and remember they don't understand and just want to help. But never let anyone tell you your baby didn't exist.

Men matter too. Lots of people gave me sympathy. But I noticed my husband was treated differently. He was expected to look after me. But they were his babies too. He had to watch and feel helpless as I lost our babies. Make sure your partner gets just as much support as you.

I'm aware that we were very lucky in many respects. It took seven months for me to fall pregnant the first time, and after that, it was straight after both miscarriages. But, no matter how long it takes you - never give up. I'm now four and half months pregnant and all is looking good.

I hope that by sharing our sadness, you might also see the beautiful things that came from it.

To read part two, click here.

To read part three, click here

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