Yep. Toddlers. If your baby has just 'levelled up' you should really know what you're dealing with... So here's my handy list of everything you should know about owning one:
- You don't own them, they own you.
- ... and everything they can see, touch, smell, hear, scream at and take a shit on.
- Remember when you used to just 'eat'....? Well you don't do that any more. All food is theirs now. Except their own food. That's obviously disgusting.
- The bathroom is your only chance for peace. Use this time for crying, and Mars Bars, and Tanqueray.
- They sit... and watch... and they know where the on-switches to every musical toy you own are... One day they'll set the whole lot off at once. And break you once and for all.
- Clothes are only there to be dragged around whilst naked.
- This includes your clothes. Strip or be subjected to the squeal-shout meltdown incorporating full body-flop. In our house; AKA the 'WallyFlop'.
- When they bite, it hurts more than you ever thought possible. Then you stand on a rogue Mega-Blok and realise that childbirth was f@*king NOTHING.
- Only toys which are 'bash-able' make the cut. Every else gets posted out of the cat flap.
- It only hurts if you're watching.
- Never use a phone or remote control in front of a toddler. It could be the last move you ever make...
- The easiest way to get rid of the falling food debris is to eat it yourself. Nothing says 'I've hit parenting rock bottom' like consuming your child's half-chewed rice cake shards...
- You said you wouldn't let them eat in the buggy, and now you can see the funny side of this... as you scoop yoghurt/biscotti hybrid matter out of the footmuff...
- Saying no only encourages them. Like a red rag to a bull. After a while you just let them play with the plug sockets, suck on your iPhone and feed grapes to the DVD player. At least they're quiet while they're doing it.
- If you run out of yoghurt, there's no helping you. Prayer is your only option.
- They don't blink often enough... it's freaky. They will always win a stare-down. And you're right to be scared. Especially if they've noticed you're running low on yoghurt.
- Thought it might be nice to not watch In the Night Garden on repeat today before bed? Thought an episode of Come Dine With Me might make a nice change? Well think a-shitting-gain. You'll watch it, sing the Upsy Daisy song and do the circle hand thingy at the beginning or you'll find them standing over you in the night, holding a kitchen knife and an open petit filous...
- Be calm. But be afraid. Until they're four. Then send them to boarding school.
- The day they can operate doorhandles and taps is the day you are truly f@*ked.
- You'll need a lot of gin. And there's nothing wrong with concealing it in a sippy cup whilst out and about. You know. For convenience.