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A Year On

10/03/2017 11:29

Dear Grandma,

I can't quite believe it has been a year since you left us. I remember that day as vividly as if it was yesterday and when I think about it the guilt still overwhelms me. I think back to that Friday in March before you went and wish I had been better. I work at Alzheimer's Society but for some reason my emotions got the better of me and I will never ever get over those feelings. I can't believe I lost you and all the support you would give me. Right now I would give anything to have you back - I have so many questions for you.

I spent hours last night reading the letters we had sent each other when I was in hospital. You were great and so helpful.

This last year has been a whirl wind. I struggled so much after you left, the guilt ate me up inside and I spent months feeling unable to get over it. I started to slip back in to my anorexia. It must have been so hard for everyone round me. I think you would have been proud of me because whilst I sat there lost and afraid of anorexia coming back I acted fast. I contacted the Mental Health Trust. I spent hours talking about you Grandma. Hours reflecting on the final few hours we had together. Hours wishing that the pain would go. I was afraid it was going to get too much for me and I wasn't going to be able to go on living...

But I pulled it back round Grandma! I managed to get back on track!

I am still so sorry about my last visit but I know you would tell me not to worry and to focus instead on the amazing times we had. I can't believe how soon we lost you to that terrible disease, Alzheimer's, but one thing I will treasure is all the happy memories we had.

If you were here now I know you would tell me to stop feeling bad about it, and to focus on staying well myself. And that's what I am going to do. I miss you so much but all the support you gave me will never leave me.

A year later I still miss you more than anything.

Love Hope

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