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24 Before Two and a Half: The Muck-It List

13/04/2015 17:06 BST | Updated 13/06/2015 10:59 BST

40 before 40? So over! It's all about 24 before two and a half. Here's my list of things you MUST do before you turn two and a half:

THE MUCK-IT LIST

  1. Bungee-jump off a changing table. Nothing beats the thrill of diving for the floor, dangling only by one foot caught in the safety strap and the other in your mum's hand.
  2. Swim with poo-phins. Never mind the most intelligent creature of the ocean, nothing beats swimming with your own floater.
  3. Learn a new language. It's fine to make up your own. Yes = no; no= yes. Mummy = daddy; daddy = mummy. More = if you force one more spoon of that mush into my mouth, I'm going to regurgitate it all over you.
  4. Start a retirement fund. Swallow a penny.
  5. Tantrum like it's 1999. Let no floor be un-pummelled, no car seat be willingly sat in, no drink go un-spilt, no mouthful be un-spat, no thing be right. Make mummy cry in public.
  6. Do an up-the-backer. If you try really hard, you can push the contents of your nappy right up into your hairline. For extra points, dip your ankles in it while you're being changed and pound them on mummy's clean shirt.
  7. Seize the day. And the night. Life is for living, people! Sleep is for losers. Never rise later than 5.30am.
  8. Get your hand stuck in a vending machine. Preferably while your brother's running off in the other direction. You're doing your mum a favour, at least she - and everyone else - knows where you are: you're the one screaming and refusing to let go of the Fruit Pastilles even though the vending machine flap is severing your hand.
  9. Cut out an entire food group. You should never eat a balanced diet. One food group must be shunned at all costs. Popular ones are Fruit and Veg - but I find these a bit of a cliché. I have chosen Carbs. Yep, watch mother fret about you getting enough calories / eating out and about when you refuse sandwiches now.
  10. Get tech savvy. Work out the code to mummy's phone and delete all her apps. Get to grips with the TV remote and always remember to hide it before you go to bed.
  11. Get your head stuck in the banisters. Railings are also good.
  12. Fall face down in a puddle. Best done when you are late for school / the doctor / a bus. More haste, less speed, mother.
  13. Decide who your favourite parent is. Clue: Which one does the most for you? It's the other one.
  14. Get your siblings on side. Take the heat for your older brothers and sisters a few times and they'll have your back forever.
  15. Lead by example. If you acquire a younger sibling before you're two and a half, show them how much you love them by bouncing on their head whenever mummy turns her back. Establish that everything is in working order by hitting them all over with your toy hammer. Teach them what pushes mummy's buttons.
  16. Learn how to take your own socks off. This is an invaluable skill. It can keep you occupied for hours in the car / buggy. The key is to lose one or both of the socks just as you get to where you're going. For example. your own christening.
  17. Find a comfort item. Muslins, dummies, blankets, cute floppy bunnies - all these are good. But mummy's better. Don't let her out of your sight.
  18. Establish a good sleep routine. I suggest feeds and cuddles till approx. midnight, then a couple of wake-ups between 12 and 5.30am.
  19. Establish good personal hygiene. If this means squeezing the entire bottle of baby wash into the bath, so be it. Wipe your nose on mummy's shoulder - better out than in. Wash your hands ten times a day, not forgetting to 'wash' your whole top and trousers at the same time.
  20. Have a six-month cold. May as well get it over with.
  21. Read 100 books. And by read, I mean pull off all the "lift-the-flaps", destroy any turny wheel things, rip out the last page, draw on the cover and stick pages together with puree.
  22. Learn martial arts. When you've worked out that those wriggly things at the end of your arms are your hands, use them to your advantage. Grab mummy's hair and close your tiny fist like a vice. Karate chop her on the boob. Roundhouse kick her on the chin while she changes your nappy. Do a running headbutt into her pubic bone. Know your own strength.
  23. Decide which colour food you will eat. I have chosen yellow - it's a goodie: butter (by the spoonful), cheese, Pom Bears, and chips (everyone knows these are not a carb). Laugh in the face of yellow peppers and pineapple.
  24. Smile. And the whole world will be round your little finger.

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