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A Huge Throbbing Election Is Hard To Hide

11/04/2015 22:06 BST | Updated 09/06/2015 10:59 BST

The election is nearly here and you'd have to have been under a rock or wrongfully imprisoned on Death Row for thirty years not to have known this. For those of you not remotely interested in dullards in suits yelling at each other across a room inside an old clock tower, let me put it into football terms. An annual conference is like a pre-season friendly. The General Election is the F.A. Cup.

With the best will in the world, trying to win favour with people by talking about fiscal security after five years of abject austere misery isn't going to cut it so it's time for the photo-op: kissing a baby, feeding a lamb, washing the feet of a homeless person... This is the kind of thing that will show just how sincere you really are.

David Cameron seems to be brimming with either confidence or too much Night Nurse as he has stated that he won't stand for a third term, taking a second term as read. He's not going for a hat trick, he doesn't want to dilute the franchise like Police Academy. He wants to leave everything unresolved, like the Empire Strikes Back. Let the Ewoks have a go after 2020.

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Photo credit: ARCHIVED Department of Energy and Climate Change / Foter / CC BY-NC-ND

For that to work however, his first term would have to have been the joyous, optimistic romp that was Star Wars and I hardly think it's been that. It's been more like an Ingmar Bergman weekender.

For those seeking cheeky seaside humour and casual racism, the go to guy is the Herringbone-coated Del Boy of politics, Nigel Farage. All he needs to do to win a landslide victory is fall through an open bar counter. Or dress as Batman, with Douglas Carswell as Robin.

Unfortunately for the Liberal Democrats, the only thing people want to see Nick Clegg falling through is an open manhole cover. He's done more 180s than Tony Hawk, or Eric Bristow, whichever suits your generational compass best. U-Turn if you want to. It's the U-Bend for the Lib Dems.

The big difference between the F.A. Cup and the General Election though is obviously that we get to decide the outcome. And as much as I admire Russell 'cor blimey guv'nor' Brand's quest for a revolution, I think the hardest fought revolution has already happened and it's what we now call democracy. If you like it then you better but an 'X' on it. Like a pirate's treasure map. Although most illicit cash is now held in Swedish bank accounts and laundered through brass plate business premises in London. I've gone off topic. Basically, you should vote. You get to be Alan Sugar for a day. Actually that's not a good sell. You get to be Simon Cowell. Okay ignore the previous two sentences just vote okay?