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News Punch: Murray, Morrissey, Morgan

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Piers Morgan has come under fire from the American Gun Lobbyists. His shoot from the hip style has earned him critics from people who think arming school teachers is a sane and rational policy. In fact...

American Gun Lobbyists Want Piers Morgan deported...

@Diversion50: ...as he's the only known pier in the western world they'd like to see demolished by a Kalashnikov.

@matt_seccull: ......'We don't want him back!' Says Cameron. 'On behalf of the British people I beg you to shoot him.'

@BadScentsHumour: ...He's stuck between a rock and a hard place as yanks shoot him down & Brits hope it's literal.

Ladbrookes start a book and urge the U.S to...

@ShakesCuthbert: ...fire him in this direction and take bets on where the splash will be.

@Charisma_Effect: ... Britain replies, 'we'd rather you shoot him than send him back'.

Redneck shock-jocks think they have a better place to send him...

@GI1970: "...to one of those hot, sandy countries we don't like. He can do more damage than any ballistics we own."

In a blind panic...

@FemmeDomestique: ... Theresa May contacts her American counterpart to remind them not to get the dates wrong.

In sporting news, Wimbledon Champion Andy Murray was in Buckingham palace this week. News Punch are always on the ball.

Andy Murray receives royal honour for his service...

@mattfishwick: ... While the Queen continues to try and catch Paul Burrell in a net...

@BadScentsHumour: ... and austerity and insanity lead to Prince Philip serving up haggis and deep fried Mars Bars for dinner.

Whilst Murray was delighted with his OBE, he was even more chuffed to be...

@Hennell ... given a 'Certificate of Excellence' for his backhand.

This was Prince William's first investiture and News Punch shoved an iphone under one of the corgi's collars and got a sneaky sound-bite:

William: You are now an Official of the English, erm... Scottish, er, British Empire... (To an aide) He did win didn't he?! Good. (To Andy) If we weren't famous can you imagine what our other halves would look like?

(Written by @BadScentsHumour and @GarethHeskett)

And now the Caption Contest. Morrissey's autobiography has been released and is no doubt selling like Russian ammunition in a Syrian Arms Trade convention. Here he is looking unusually jolly. The contest was tight again but the winner came in just in the nick of time. The honour goes to @martintagg:

2013-10-18-morrissey_caption.jpeg

More News Punch soon.

*Some tweets have been edited to suit the article or to correct errors etc. Original tweets can be viewed by clicking on the @ names.

Photo credit: feltonf / Foter / CC BY-NC-ND