January is the month of the year when the most amount of divorces are processed and relationships breakdown.
However, leaving an ex behind is not as easy as it looks - even if you are the one who has decided to leave. It is inevitable that anger, guilt, jealousy and sadness will ensue. Some hold onto these emotions for years.
Being a heartbreak expert, I have women coming to me who are still stuck even five years on. What I have observed, is that there are seven key things that they are not doing that will keep them stuck in the past, stopping them from moving on.
What are these mistakes and what can you do instead to make sure that you avoid them to stop you from moving on?
1) Don't commit to the process of moving on
What I mean by commitment is making sure that you do EVERYTHING to create the space to move on. This means no sleeping with him, no texting him and no stalking him on facebook!
Instead, commit to do whatever it takes to move on. Make the decision that this is it. That what happened is now in the past, and that its time to take yourself forward (whatever your situation). Seek the help if you need it.
To find out how you can commit download your free chapters of Goodbye Mr Ex
2) Judge the ex
You may have heard the quote - you cannot be right and happy. Well this is true. Judging an ex, will not get you anywhere and will keep you in the anger and jealousy. Its normal for us to point the finger, whenever we feel betrayed or that we have done something wrong, we will jump to defend ourselves, however judgment adds fuel to the fire and it will keep you stuck.
Instead, look within and ask yourself the question "What kind of person would do such a thing?" Once you have the answer ask yourself "Who has seen me be like this before, could I be like this if...? Or where have I been like this?"
What you judge in another, you judge in you, which is why you point the finger with a look of disdain and say, "I would never be like that or act that way." But the truth is that people are reflections of who we are. Once you learn to love what you complain about in your ex, you will start to love the part in yourself that you have judged.
3) Re-hash the story
Have you heard yourself tell the story of what happened, over and over? If you have, then this is the third mistake to avoid. Obsessing over what he has done or not done will drive you crazy.
The chances are you will have two stories - the first, how he was so amazing - the best person that ever lived because... and the second - how he was the worst thing that ever happened to you. These stories are told over and over, like a tractor in a field you are ploughing your story deeper and deeper into your psyche, making you feel trapped and stuck.
Instead, heal both your conscious and unconscious stories. Challenge the meanings that you have given to your conscious one. We are meaning making machines and give meaning to everything. It's the meanings that we give to things, that either makes us feel good or bad. Also uncover why you feel the way you do. Your unconscious story will tell a different tale - a tale about old wounds that are still not healed yet.
To find out how you can heal your stories, download your free chapters of Goodbye Mr Ex
4) Make assumptions about motives
Repeatedly second-guessing why your ex has done something will have you take everything personally. Sometimes in life you will have to just accept that you may never know. 99% of the time the reason why he did what he did has nothing to do with you.
Instead, let go of the need to know and accept that he has behaved in a certain way because of his own limitations and stories. The moment you stop struggling against something you have no control over, you will start to feel more at peace.
5) Use confrontational language
Language used towards your ex (if you see him) and the language you communicate yourself with are the keys to letting go of the harsh reality you live in. Blaming in language such as "You are ALWAYS so...." or "He was ALWAYS or so..." will make you feel worse and will keep fueling the anger.
Instead, challenge what you are saying to and about your ex. And ask yourself "is it really true?" You will start to see that your ex is NOT the behavior and a all or nothing person.
6) Wish life were different
When you are stuck in the "what ifs" and the "if onlys" you will not be able to move on. You will be worrying about your future and regretting the past. All this does is keeps you in the pain of your own thoughts. The future has not happened yet and the past is already done so there is nothing you can do. Yo-yoing backwards and forwards will keep you out of the present. And when we are present we are at peace.
Instead, practice the art of gratitude. What can you be grateful for right now? How did the past serve you to empower you? How can you make the future what you want for yourself?
To find out how you can practice the art of gratitude and finally leave your past behind download your free chapters of Goodbye Mr Ex
7) Get the wrong type of support
I see a lot of my clients surround themselves with people and situations that only make them feel worse. If you want to move on, it's important to surround yourself with people who will support you in a healthy way.
Instead, be mindful of who you do surround yourself with. Make the conscious choice to be supported by others who are working on themselves and who can hold you accountable to you moving forward.