I should celebrate being single as a mature, happy life preference, and yet here I am, nearly 60, still explaining myself; so my subconscious clearly isn't celebrating, is it? And why? Because too many experiences in my life, like that smear test, exacerbate my self-image of social misfit: of being somehow lesser, if not outright forgotten.
Feminists would take the stance that this is somehow to do with the male appetite for a younger model. Women are left alone fending for themselves after a marriage breakdown and fated to an existence of meals for one and loneliness whilst their ex partner enjoys the fruits of youth. The truth, however, is often less interesting than spin.
If you knew that a healthy diet could prevent grey hair, would you change your eating habits? We keep being told that lifestyle and food intake are key factors in staying healthy and looking younger, but many of us just buy the food we like without analysing the contents to make sure we are consuming the right balance of vitamins and minerals.
Catching sight of myself in mirrors, shop windows and spoons to prepare for this new age, I have become a stooping figure, with enormous cheeks (depending on which side of the spoon you look at) and a thoughtful demeanour hiding the weight of the World on my shoulders lightened by a tendency to laugh at fart gags.
Adults 50 years old or more should revert to eating the same amount of calories as 9 -13 year olds and that is 1,600 in my case. I'm supposed to be eating the same as a Tween??!? Nobody told me.
This week the most glorious event occurred in my life. I became a grandmother. I have a new title, a new role, a new position in my family and in society. But what lies behind the letters in the title and the position on the family tree is an explosion of love.
Dementia, in common with many terminal diseases, polarises opinion when it comes to the priorities different individuals and groups have. For me, finding merit in every argument isn't difficult. Take for example families who have a loved one currently living with dementia; their priority is generally for improved care and support now. Who wouldn't agree with that?
If you haven't been personally touched by dementia you may be wondering why it deserves this platform. Why aren't other diseases afforded the same global attention you may ask? But that's just it, they have been.
It's the ostomy that's the thing - the bit of intestine that's surgically brought out of the surface of your tummy, through which poo escapes. Into a bag. Otherwise it would just go everywhere, and that wouldn't be nice. That would be about as disgusting as the myth of ostomies would imply.
The reality is a stylish woman is a stylish woman, at 25 or 65. The trick is learning how to make fashion work for you... For now, the UK economy and demography means that the older woman has more buying power and more influence than the young demographic, at which 'fashion' is traditionally targeted.
With their tall and slender frame, they can pass themselves off for beautiful boys - boys rather than men, due to their lack of facial hair. To some people this may seem to be a complete novelty and some go as far as claiming that it shows that fashion is embracing diversity. No, not quite.
The sad truth is that, despite being 62, despite a decently successful journalistic career (including a prestigious award), despite a thriving website business, despite a husband who adores my every curve, my insecurities surface when it comes to "thin".
Three quarters of people would be annoyed if they had difficulty walking, getting dressed, or doing basic household tasks like cooking, cleaning or washing dishes. Two thirds would be annoyed if they could not open containers. And more people would be frustrated if they had difficulty making a cup of tea versus having sex.
I want Outsider Art to have an adoring audience, and I certainly don't want the artists to starve, but approach it with passion, buy it because you have a visceral reaction to it, because you can't live without it, it makes you pant, sweat, shiver, and horripilate.
Older people are going to be the most influential force of change in our society for many years to come. Similar to the rise and impact of youth culture in the 1950s and 60s, the changing demographics of the UK will transform the places where we work and live.
Why patronised? Well, simply by carrying out the survey and giving stylish over-50s with grandchildren that rather twee title and a style ranking, the subliminal message is: "We think you should be over, fashion-wise, but, hey, you're not".