We pride ourselves on being WELL in touch with the hard-working common man and the kind of things they like. That's what our Beer'N'Bingo bullsh**, er, I mean bonus, was all about. But wait - that was a proper BIG-HITTER of an idea, a 'Gove' as we call them...so we've come up with some MORE 'triffic' proposals that hard-working, tax-paying poor-people are going to LOVE!!
The headlines following this week's Budget understandably focused on pensions and savings, with significant proposals announced that will fundamentally change the way people save in the UK. It was hailed by many as the biggest pensions shake-up for a generation, and so it is not surprising that this was the focus of debate in the immediate aftermath.
When David Cameron rose to power in 2010, he vowed to pilot the UK's "greenest government ever"... At least that was the dream. But fast forward to 2014, and what little environmental progress our government has made is being systematically disavowed in favour of industrial expansion.
George Osborne spoke for 55 minutes on Wednesday afternoon but, amid the bluster and the boasts, failed to mention the cost of living crisis even once. Instead, this out-of-touch Chancellor used the Budget to claim that everything is going smoothly, when we all know he has missed his targets on growth, living standards and on balancing the books by 2015.
The chancellor said income inequality is falling.. and, astonishingly, he's right. But he can't take credit for it - oh, and it's about to start rising again. So why did Ed Miliband let him get away with it?
It was Plan A all the way. None of the easing of austerity that fuddy-duddy old Keynesians were asking for. Everyone knows this is true because the Chancellor keeps telling us it is, and is rarely challenged when he does so. The only problem is that the numbers tell a different story.
With a budget that achieves the exact opposite of the objectives the Chancellor has set himself we are all wondering what will come out of the Ministry of Truth next. A Localism Act that centralises planning perhaps; or a Big Society that cuts benefits for the poor and vulnerable?
Do you want my alternative, semi-serious take on Wednesday's Budget? My brief analysis of the growth figures and George Osborne's new pound coin? Here it is in 60 seconds.
The economy is healing, but we need to cement the recovery by encouraging and supporting our great British businesses. That's why the Chancellor is supporting businesses that are making things and selling them to the world... This was truly a budget for the doers and the makers.
I'll admit it. I'll go on record and say that I wouldn't consider myself to be hardworking. If future employers or future clients are reading this, then I'm sorry, but I'm not going to lie. I am many things, but I am not one of David Cameron's hardworking people...
With the fiscal situation still tight, and a year to go before an election in which the Chancellor will accuse the opposition of fiscal profligacy, it was never likely that this was going to be a particularly exciting budget - and so it proved.
In his budget speech, the Chancellor said that he wanted Britain to have more economic resilience. The economic recovery that his polices are delivering is unlikely to achieve this aim.
After decades of pensions and savings policy being the 'Cinderella' of Treasury priorities - George Osborne today unleashed reforms for the thrifty that are bound to capture the imagination of the very voters on which he now pins his hopes.
Whatever the merits of an overall cap on welfare spending and however it is going to work, it's clear that on its own it's not enough. This debate on welfare and poverty is taking the focus from where it is most needed - helping vulnerable children and their families.
This year's Budget has to create some movement in a positive direction for the many millions of people for whom the past six years have been cumulatively, increasingly difficult. Many people attending foodbanks have jobs. Too often those jobs are insecure, with uncertain hours. Poor people need better base pay, more employment security, more full time rather than part time work.
The Government has no money. Governments don't produce profits. High-net-worth individuals, businesses, pension funds and international wealth funds have the cash. We don't. That's why we must woo them, welcome them, give them a great reason for coming here and encourage them to invest this money in British businesses right now.