It is said to be sods law that if you are wearing your best knickers your waters will break. That's if you can bend down in the first place to get them on, and that they still fit over your expanded arse.
You see it all comes from trying to make things perfect, to squeeze it all in so that everything is just right - but the irony is it only causes me to feel stressed and behave in a way that just doesn't meet my lofty standards of motherhood.
What no one realises (at this stage of blissful naivety) is that the gorgeous, defenceless, newborn bundle will one day become a demanding toddler, opinionated five-year-old, unreasonable tween, and finally... stroppy teenager.
A three-year-old girl is climbing a tree in a park. A man walking by comments to her mother: 'she should have been born a boy!' The mother makes a general comment of agreement, while I grit my teeth and tell myself that I am overreacting, that he means well, and anyway my two female tree climbers are out of earshot...
It's a bit tedious going to playgroups and meeting mums at school and having to spend months figuring out who you want in your gang. Mummy Speed Dating would make life a lot easier. If you had four minutes with each mum, what would you look for? This is how I would suss out my mummy friend soul mate.
Last year there wasn't a week that went by without a parent uploading a dash-cam video to YouTube of them singing along to popular songs with their kids - and these videos have clocked up tens of millions of views.
As someone who can veer towards the authoritarian style of parenting, one of the most helpful pieces of wisdom I received was, 'Choose your battles.'
Nowadays a tantrum can begin from the slightest disturbance, the slightest touch and will always be made worse by not knowing which wire to cut (or toy to give, food to eat etc etc). A three year old tantrum (akin to an imminent bomb explosion) can be set off at any time.
I've just found out that a friend of mine is expecting her first birthday. Cue lots of girly squeals of delight and weeping tears of joy. Now as you know as soon as you have a baby on board the whole world and their dog and flippin cat have advice for you. Not one to miss a bandwagon, here is my advice friend...
This summer, I will feel the ache of not being there. I will live through the photos, I will cry at night, I will miss them with such longing I will feel your anger that we aren't there.
There's a bit of a trend at the moment about being open and honest when it comes to parenting. Brags about things we don't do with our kids or epic parenting fails are becoming more common than the wonderful things we all do.
In the heat of summer, enduring childhood memories are forged: of scalding sands on foreign beaches, of holiday romance and heartbreak, of campsite misadventures, of that first clandestine beer. Life-forming experiences in simpler times.
By the time we arrived at school she allowed me to put on her dress but nothing else. Amazing I thought. This was about modesty. She wanted to be covered up but remained in control by refusing to wear her pants or socks. She cried on arrival at nursery. I cried on departure.
Ever feel like you're throwing yourself into a bottomless pit of need? Ever feel like the pit is so wide and deep, you don't even touch the sides? Ever feel like no matter how much you give, your child still has more to take?
I'm childfree-by-choice, but as my life fills with young female friends, I find myself thinking about what I want to pass on to them - in a wise-woman way. If I'd had a daughter when I was thirty, she would be eighteen now. So these are the things I'd like to say to her, and weirdly, lots of them are things my mother said to me...
Spa Day - Meditation Alternate Spa Day - Passing out on your child's bedroom floor after the fake 'asleep breathing' you have been performing becomes a dribbling reality as you wait (and wait) for them to nod off.