Dear Mr Cameron,
I've got half an eye on the Leveson feed while I write this piece, so it could be out of date by the time I post; but assuming you are still Prime Minister when I finish typing, I was wondering if you'd seen Chloe Smith, the Economic Secretary to the Treasury, on TV earlier today? (Possibly you were too busy playing Fruit Ninja or hearing about Rebekah Brooks' rumoured role in the upcoming soap opera - Editor Cell Block H.)
Well, Chloe was amazing! She kept a totally straight face while explaining that the unexpectedly bad UK economic figures, while unexpected, had been pretty much expected, and that taking the economy back into recession meant Britain "gained credibility". She said it with such conviction it almost gained credibility. So, well done on appointing her, because I know you've had a lot of flak about other appointments in the past. Don't know where Mr Osborne was - I guess he had more important things to do, like continuing to celebrate with John Terry over the crucial contributions they both made to Chelsea's victory last Saturday.
Thing is, the Opposition Front Bench are calling you "complacent and out of touch". (You may not have heard about this, for whatever reason.) Well, it's not just them; it's a growing mood. In fact there's a rumour that "complacent and out of touch" is the motto on your coat-of-arms.
Personally I think it's really snobbish of people to assume you're arrogant, complacent, insouciant and so on - out of touch, uncaring... (just lazily cutting and pasting from a google search of "Cameron Epithets" there) just because you went to an expensive public school and have a large personal fortune. I know you're down-to-earth - I've seen you in shirtsleeves in a tractor factory, for Heaven's sake, so nobody in Labour is fooling me with these superficial judgements. I know you mean it when you say we're all in this together, but others are sceptical, so here's a thought. Why don't you...commit half your income to charity?
It would entail a bit of belt-tightening, but you could cope: You might have to consider sending your children to state schools, opt out of private healthcare, and reduce the number of holidays you have each year. But believe it or not, a lot of people are in that situation already. (Or worse, in the case of the feckless 75%!) Who knows, it might even make you finally get round to working out how many houses you own, and selling one or two of them to tide you over! (We all know how tiresome those tiddly little bits of household admin can be!)
So, how about a few grand each to, say, Shelter, the NSPCC, Help the Aged? Sure, it's not going to solve the whole problem, but with a decent Communications Director (law of averages says that's got to happen one day), you could at least get some positive spin out of it. To sum the idea up laconically, it's...what's the right phrase?... A Big Society thing. Don't know if that resonates.
And it would send a message to the knockers, and the muttering idiots, and the sceptics and the detractors and the Occupy movement, and the doctors and the nurses and the teachers; and the public sector unions, the private sector unions, the Daily Telegraph, and the disabled, and the bishops, and the EU, and the opposition, and the universities, the IMF, most Nobel wining economists, the 1922 Committee and Nadine Dorries, the major cities of England, Scotland and Wales, and all the rest of the tiny noisy dissenting minority who oppose you - it would show them all - that you are not the self-satisfied upper-class bully they try and make you out to be.
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