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The Royal Charter for the Regulation of the Press

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After much toing and froing a deal has finally been struck between the Conservatives, the Liberal Democrats and the Labour Party regarding press regulation. Nick Clegg and Ed Milliband's proposal has been scrapped, and both have claimed a substantial victory.

David Cameron has ignored the Leveson report, ignored the ignoring of it, submitted charters "with teeth", with claws, with an extra clause, with some teeth in need of a dentist, scrapped it, un-scrapped it, done a U-turn without checking his mirrors and claimed that whatever had happened he was wholly responsible for it if the outcome was positive and knew absolutely nothing about any of it if it wasn't.

When talks collapsed earlier in the week several junior politicians were trapped inside: Labour MP Eric Joyce nearly broke down in tears when he had to go forty minutes without chinning a pint. The MPs survived by eating a pork pie that had been trapped under Eric Pickle's ninth chin, but only after several hours of intense back and forth debate on how much pie each MP could receive and whether an independent watchdog needed to be set up to control pie distribution regulation.

The hashtag 'Leveson' quickly became a dumping ground for personal opinion, speculation and a spam advert for Lord McCluskey's live nude webcam show. Hugh Grant's campaign group 'Four Weddings and a Phone Hacking Scandal' was joined by Alan Partridge to claim victory for the deal and usher in a new regulatory body: 'The Party Union Watchdog for the Glorious Output of State Approved Propaganda'.

Meanwhile, The Sun made an excellent case for freedom of the press by admitting stealing and then hacking into MP Siobhan McDonagh's phone in 2010 - a compelling argument against restricting their freedoms if ever there was one. Having plastered Winston Churchill on their front page in a bizarre non sequitur attempt to drum up support they then attempted to distract readers with a picture of some tits.

Back in Parliament, a charter was eventually drawn up, though the process was delayed by Nick Clegg inadvertently submitting the wrong document and seemingly calling for the press to be restructured around his deeply erotic Buffy fanfiction. Having sat up all night debating, drinking coffee and having pillow fights, MPs blearily announced whatever it was that they announced this morning. Talks broke down around 3am but a replacement bus service was put on to bring debaters to a conclusion. Further delays ensued when Gazza turned up with a fishing rod and some chicken.

The charter is now underwritten, overseen and undercooked by legislation. It applies to anything written in any newspaper, blog, website or on the back of a cereal packet, whether online, offline or over the line; anything on television from Newsnight to the Tweenies especially anything made by anybody who once saw Jimmy Saville in a shopping centre; anything stated, entailed, implied or whispered sensually in an MP's ear; anything on your phone, on Facebook or in your dreams, and if you take out a super injunction you can move on to the bonus round where you'll have a chance to win five years in prison. The whole episode has highlighted just how difficult it is to obtain a royal appointment for anything, which makes it all the more amazing that the makers of piccalilli managed it.