THE BLOG

On Cleanses

25/05/2015 20:02 BST | Updated 25/05/2016 10:59 BST

As life gets more complicated, I've noticed conversation gets shallower. I won't go to cocktail parties anymore because that's exactly what you do at them, wag your cock at everyone. It's implicit in the dialogue that there's one-upmanship in the air: "What do you do?" "Where does your kid go to school?" "Who cuts your hair?"

It's all to check out if you're lower or higher than them on the totem pole. If lower you'll know it as the person will turn their back. So that's cocktail parties out. If I do go to a dinner party, the theme seems to be centered around what boxset someone's watching, along with the pride that they've spent 18 days watching the whole 104 episodes.

I'm not being a snob on this one because I've watched the whole series of Breaking Bad, 11 times. I actually know how to make meth now, the blue stuff.

The other topic at the table is diets. It's the craze to either be on one where you only eat lard because we did 1.2million years ago and it did wonders, that's why we lived so long. (Age - 14).

I can't eat lard because it's the fat forming cholesterol that's killed off every generation of Waxes to the beginning of time but that must only be because it was the bad lard and they were all Jews.

The other trend is to go to a spa of torture in Austria and pay £12,000 a week to starve. Hitler would have been so pleased. Not only do they starve but for an extra £7,000 they can get an enema once a day to make sure they really are completely empty; a clean husk. Some of these places also offer 'no exercise' so you just sit there and starve.

I've decided to start mind fasting where I cut off all outside stimuli and see what's left in my brain. I'm starting with newspapers, to cut off my addiction to world atrocities then I'm going to wean myself off my iPhone and then the computer. You'll know when that happens because the blogs will dry up.

It may make it difficult writing my up-coming book but I'll just bring back the plume or feather. This is going to be my next mission, to cut out the external crap and see what's left in my mind. It may be gold, it may be more crap. I don't know how I'll let you know when I find out. Maybe I'll fly out pigeons?

I'm on tour throughout 2015 with my Sane New World show