THE BLOG

Boobs Laid Bare

10/11/2015 15:24 GMT | Updated 09/11/2016 10:12 GMT

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This Halloween, my boobs were a hot topic. Not too surprising as they were thrust into the spotlight by my cheap gold latex catsuit and wonderful Triumph bra gifted to me for a campaign I did; probably not the image they need to sell more bras but defiantly a look that could reach a whole new audience.

Men aside, it was the conservations and exchanges I had with women that fascinated me. Some just wanted to know how it felt, others apologized for their boyfriend's gaze and said it was 'them' (my tits) not me, while some just stared lovingly at them as I tried to distract them with my crazy wish to go braless once in a while. One can dream. My words were lost on them, as it was clear that still - we all want what we don't have.

I have always been 'blessed' with a leading lady rack and I love them dearly as we all should with whatever we've been served, but let me tell you, they also come with issues that only women with bigger boobs understand. In the real world, it's underarm bulges and back fat to boot, so I thought I would share a few of the things that really piss me off when it comes to my mammary glands. Feel free to share yours. Let's bond over our bits and make the world a better place.

Swimwear's a bitch.

It really is. A bandeau top: an unachievable fantasy that in reality looks like every teenage mistake you ever made. Anything strapless: I tried this last summer and to the young Italian man's delight (they do love all tit-types to be fair *note to self), I emerged from the sea chest first as the suit couldn't hack it. Big boobs need support on the beach, which means I will never know the joy of not having to scoop them up into some kind of framework to avoid looking like road kill each season.

You attract a certain kind of man, not usually the one you want.

In my experience having boobs and curves in general means you gain the attention of a 'classic' male. Not my type at all. I like dandy, edgy, intelligent men who in turn, are attracted to the naturally slim, quiet cool girl with not much to say. But then she doesn't have to. She's just got that nowness that Mr. Hip wants, leaving Boobs Malone, aka me, with Mr. Generic yet again. Maybe I just haven't met the right mix of man, or maybe I'm at the wrong parties, but just once it would be nice to not predict the outcome of evening based on measurements alone.

Anything backless? A bitch!

For my birthday this year I really wanted to wear a beautiful blue backless dress, and I did - with a pound shop fabric plaster strip holding years of flesh up and in. Stick on bras don't stay put when you're bigger than a B meaning anything backless is as welcome as Wallis Simpson at the palace. It just doesn't work.

Potential Mother-in-laws hate you.

This may be a personal gripe, or just me, but I have found that Fathers love me; Mothers fear me. It's that look from future Pops that says he likes a girl with spirit and a rack to match, to Mommie Dearest who views me through narrowed eyes as if I was Barbara Windsor in a Carry On movie. You're not getting her son; and her husband is not to be reminded of those days. The cool girl from point number two is however, more than welcome. Tea?

Things generally don't fit.

This happens a lot. As my lead photo shows, I have narrow shoulders and arms (thank God), meaning I need to wear a size 10 on top, while my chest has other plans. It's pretty annoying to be honest but I still buy pieces in the vain hope that one day everything will just fit. (It won't.)

The extra flesh doesn't stop up top.

Unless you're a natural rack/body - the whole deal goddess like Caroline Vreeland or Lara Stone, big boobs generally mean you're bigger everywhere else. This includes, but isn't restricted to: chunky thighs (my personal favourite), summer chub rub from said thighs, back fat, love handles, fleshy under arms, and the favourite love to hate never ending struggles of - the stomach. It's really not that much of a party having big boobs. So if you ever feel boob envy, think of all of the above, and be thankful.

*Aware there are more important things to be writing about and that posting the above photo won't make me any more popular with potential Mother-in-laws however a little light relief is what I'm here for. No, not that. Laughter.