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Ed Miliband's Got A Pink Bus - But It'll Probably Just Drive Him To Election Defeat

16/02/2015 15:04 GMT | Updated 17/04/2015 10:59 BST

The General Election is edging ever closer to our atmosphere, like an asteroid of unrelenting shit that will crash into every aspect our lives. Even women and children aren't safe. Come May, you can guarantee that every baby in Britain will have been found and kissed by a politician. Equally, by the end of this week, every woman in the country will have been found, and then deeply patronised by Labour's pink bus.

You might think a pink bus for female voters is demeaning, condescending and just utterly stupid. Then again, these were the same sparks who thought Ed Miliband would be an excellent figurehead and face of their party. So actually a bus that looks like a Cardiff hen night gone wrong seems like the least worst idea they've had recently. That bus could start handing out dick-shaped straws and it still wouldn't be that bad!

I really don't get Labour's campaign at the moment. It's like they're heading into a football match with a 10-0 advantage, up against nine men who are all in blindfolds, and they still end up getting trounced. You'd think that against this deeply detested coalition, Ed Miliband should be able to simply sit at home with his curtains closed, do nothing, and still win it. Although thinking about it, that strategy is really the only way he will win it.

Sadly for him, hiding isn't an option as we have the televised TV debates coming very soon, something Miliband himself has bizarrely ordered. That's surely a bit like pushing the school bully to tickle you until you piss yourself. David Cameron has been trying hard to get out of the contest. He had initially clicked 'attending' on Facebook months ago, but he's since realised that he'd rather just go out with his real mates instead.

Cameron has apparently been resisting these debates because he thinks he'll come across like an idiot. A quite incredible statement when you consider he'll be standing next to Ed Miliband and Nick Clegg. Under one broadcaster's proposal, the debates will also include Nigel Farage. On the one hand, he'll be pleased to take part. But on the other, he really, really hates the idea of inclusion, so he'll be pretty torn.

In the TV debates four years ago, Nick Clegg came across as statesmanlike, a man you could trust, a future leader of this bright and beautiful nation. Now he just walks around with the desperately pained expression of a jailed serial killer slowly coming to terms with his murders. His political future is very bright, though. And it's getting brighter. In fact, it looks a lot like a bright white light, and he should definitely head towards it.

Broadcasters are doing all they can to demystify the political establishment in this election. BBC Two documentary Inside The Commons promised to peel back the curtains of the Houses of Parliament. They were going to peel back the curtains at Number 10, but David Cameron didn't want anybody accidentally seeing him in his true lizard form before he's had the chance to get changed into his human skin suit.

It has been an enlightening show, though. Rather than most people's preconception that Parliament is simply filled with over-privileged, overpaid, over-expensed upper-class white men who don't care about the people they serve, it turns out it's actually much worse than that. Ed Miliband says the Commons is 'a very intimidating place.' But then again, he must feel like that about every single room he's ever been in!

According to the show's producers, politicians appearing in the documentary were told to just act naturally. That was especially hard for George Osborne, as acting naturally for him usually involves sitting around in a velvet smoking jacket while stoning orphans from the poor house. I'm joking, of course. If poor houses still existed, he would have long since sold them off and had them privatised. Tax-free, of course.

I'm being a tad cynical as the show did highlight some of the excellent work done in the Houses of Parliament. Sadly it's exclusively done by the maintenance staff. Or as MPs call them, "Don't you dare look me in the eye again, you miserable filth!" Those staff do work hard at the Palace of Westminster, though. Crumbling, decaying, and in need of some serious work. And that's just the Liberal Democrats.

After watching Inside The Commons, I'm fully behind political reform, so long as any future election takes the form of a bacon eating contest. Cameron would refuse to take part because the Green's request for soya non-fat bacon was turned down. Clegg will fall at the first hurdle because he's still choking on his words from the last election. And Farage would storm out the second he finds out the bacon's Danish.

That would just leave Ed Miliband, needing to simply eat one bacon roll to secure the election and his position as Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Island. Oh well, there's always next time...

Read more from Simon at simon-ward.co.uk.