Rationalising the Irrational: A Step-by-Step Guide

05/04/2012 15:34 BST | Updated 04/06/2012 10:12 BST

Ever wondered what kind of rationale goes behind the policy-making decisions executed by the coalition government? Well look no further. Here is a detailed step-by-step guide on how to devise and execute a sound security policy.

Step 1

Fear. Without it your security policy will mean nothing. How will the general public accept your plans to invade their telephones, Internet calls and private emails unless there is a lurking threat of imminent danger? There's no need to be exact about who this enemy is, the usual "suspected terrorists, paedophiles or serious criminals" followed by a vague "keeping our country safe" will suffice.

Step 2

Be vague. Never, EVER be precise. The more vague you sound, the better. Ambiguous terminologies such as "plug the gap" mean nothing but sound like something. Inserting positive words such as "respect" here and there will also help to calm the nerves of those few individuals who feel as though the new policies will be infringing on their civil rights by letting them know you are aware there is a line. As long as they know you are aware of it, you can safely cross it without anyone really noticing.

Step 3

Blame modernity. It is not enough to just blame an invisible human enemy. Everyone knows that technology will be the end of mankind. So make sure you blame these "difficult" and "sensitive" issues on the biggest technological threat of all. The Internet. Mention that people are now "making telephone calls through the internet, rather than through (a) fixed line", which invariably means that your hands are tied and you have no choice but to start dropping in on Skype calls to make sure that nothing untoward is being discussed.

Step 4

Cover your tracks. As the saying goes, "back that shit up". Whatever happens, it wasn't your fault. Mention the numerous discussions you've had with several different 'specialists', don't actually use their names though, we all know what happened last time you trusted a 'specialist'. But make sure you don't give them all the credit in case this thing goes down well. End your speech with some sort of Byronic, selfless statement such as "That's my responsibility. And it's one that I intend to fulfil."