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Tiernan Douieb

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Conservatives Say the Funniest Things

Posted: 30/05/2012 14:47

People are bonkers. I know this. I witness it on a daily basis and have learnt in recent years that 'normal' is not something that happens in humanity. From the man at the supermarket last night who sniffed all his tomatoes individually before giving them to the cashier, to the woman shouting on the bus last week that she was 'mortally dead', to me singing Bananaphone repeatedly, daily, regardless of where I am. We're all a little bit strange. The last few weeks though have produced several news stories involving the government making decisions and comments based on what I can only describe as completely off the wall. We're talking the level at which you'd not only sing Bananaphone but genuinely try to call someone on the fruit in question, before only eating the tomatoes that smelt right and declaring yourself mortally dead, all at once whilst dressed as the Earl of Sandwich.

Case in point: We've had Louise Mensch, everyone's least favourite potty mouthed MP, declare UK Uncut 'intolerable bullies' while other Conservatives referred to them as 'terrorists' & because they had a lovely street party with bunting and cakes which may have upset Nick Clegg's children that weren't actually there, Ken Clarke claim that terrorists sit at the back of courts writing notes on national security. If you take these two comments alone as gospel then we are living in a world where terrorists pop up with their iPads at the back of the Old Bailey to jot down expert tips on exactly where to hand out party bags and indulge in fizzy pop. Were the Tory notion of reality correct, we'd be living in a very surreal world indeed. One where cakes are dangerous. That my friends, is a terrible world.

We can add to these spurts of madness Boris Johnson saying the BBC has 'left wing bias' because its paid for by the taxpayer, despite his job being entirely paid for by the tax payer and Gove, the man in charge of all the school's assuming that Robert Jay QC's comment on him being similar to JS Mill, a man who believed in equal rights for all, was an insult. Then you have Baroness Warsi, evil Liza Tarbuck lookalike and a woman who thinks housing benefits should be cut, while failing to declare income from a flat she rents & claiming expenses for staying at a friend's house. Oh and finally today, it was revealed Cameron, who has already spent the last two weeks defending a member of his cabinet whose credibility is hanging on a thread a silk worm would struggle with, has been having meetings with Tony Blair. Yep. Tony Blair. That one. Now let's ignore all the other trazillion issues I have with Mr 'war criminal' himself and instead focus on the fact that Blair was in charge, at least up until the final few years, of the government that Cameron still keeps blaming the 'mess we're in' on. Yet, he's meeting him for discussions? If this proves to be a theme, he'll soon be having lunch with the Eurozone Crisis and dinner with Joe Public and all his credit card debt that's ruined the UK.

Sane? Not really. Hypocritical? Yes, often. Though I'm starting to wonder if the hypocrisy is intentional, or just what happens when you're mad, rich and live in a construct created by the cushy world you live in. A world where those poor people you've heard of love pastys and caravans so much it makes most sense to reverse those cuts rather than anything else. They won't at all worry about the health service or having a job if they've saved 20p on a steak and onion and can sit under their awnings knowing that using a travelling vehicle to go nowhere won't bankrupt their already bankrupt accounts. Oh and buzzards. They've decided not to destroy buzzard nests anymore. I don't dislike this decision, but I daresay there are some elderly people feeling a little sore about their 'granny tax' while the government dwells on the important tasks. Part of me is scared that this is merely part of a plan to make buzzards enjoy the scent of pasties, release them near caravan parks and do away with a portion of society they don't want to deal with.

But if this is what the Conservatives think then they are not just out of touch but have never been in touch. And how can you argue with someone who sees the world in an entirely different light to the rest of us? I've often wondered how someone can be selfish enough to be truly right wing, and it occurs to me that maybe its a form of illness. In which case, the next question needs to be, how do we get them all sectioned and find a government that will only merely sing 'Bananaphone' out of office and not when deciding policies that will affect democracy in the UK for many years to come? Let me know, as I'd very much like to eat cakes on the bus without getting arrested.

 

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