1. Mister Maker
Back in the '80s, we had Tony Hart: a twinkly-eyed silver fox who gently introduced the nation's sprogs to the joys of fine art. Fast-forward to 2013, and we're stuck with Mister Maker: a gurning, boggle-eyed irritant, whose daily presence on CBeebies makes us want to shoot him with a glue-gun and cut the Makermobile's brake cable with craft scissors.
2. Peppa Pig
She might be the darling of the Milkshake schedule, but when you think about it, Peppa Pig is awful: a know-it-all little sow who disrupts her mum's freelance work, mocks her dad's body issues, makes her little brother cry and finds herself so hilarious that she literally collapses. One word: abattoir.
3. Josie Jump
Nothing twists the knife when you've had three hours' sleep than watching this deranged aerobics teacher bounce around Balamory like a hyperactive banana. Just wait until you have kids, love. You'll be slumped on the sofa of your bile-yellow house every night, comfort-eating ready-meals in a Slanket.
4. Alvin, Simon and Theodore
No, the Chipmunks are not cute. They're three helium-voiced, home-wrecking, cheeseball-obsessed rodents who are practically an advert for Rentokill (and don't even get us started on the Chipettes). Come on, Dave. Get a grip, put them in a shoebox and release them onto wasteland.
5. Dora The Explorer
As if us parents don't get pestered enough already, Dora can't even let us crash on the sofa without nagging us to identify the missing shape or learn the Spanish word for 'pineapple'. Look, Nick Jr, this isn't making our children develop a early flair for foreign languages and grow up to be international lawyers. It's just making us throw blunt objects at the TV.
6. Nuzzle And Scratch
It's not just the Nuzzle And Scratch theme tune, which will stay locked resolutely into your brain every day during the school run. It's also their uncanny resemblance to the sort of flea-bitten llamas that bite your leg when you're on holiday in Morocco, causing you to foam at the mouth and need a rabies shot in the buttocks. This is not a good basis for a TV programme.
All children love Igglepiggle. Most adults despise him. The poster-boy of In The Night Garden suffers from a chronic lack of charisma, wandering mute through the woods with a haunted look in his eyes, like a Vietnam veteran on valium still expecting an ambush from the Vietcong. And if he doesn't go to bed soon, we'll throttle him with that blanket.
8. Mister Poppy
The nation's parents gripped their cinema armrests into powder during last year's Nativity 2, thanks to this teaching assistant from Hell. An infuriating, doughball-headed cretin, Mister Poppy is made worse by the creeping sense that your children would rather have him as a dad than you. We don't know how actor Marc Wootton can look in the mirror each morning without slapping himself hard across the face.
9. Tinker Bell
Cute in small doses in Disney's original 1953 Peter Pan, Tinker Bell was reimagined in the 2008 reboot as a snub-nosed, mini-skirted madam with a massive chip on her shoulder that she can't retrain as a water-fairy. It's hard to sympathise when your maternity leave has just run out, a 23-year-old blonde graduate has stolen your job and you're reduced to flogging the Kleeneze catalogue door-to-door.
"I have this little sister Lola. She's small and unbelievably annoying. In fact, she's a neurotic, self-absorbed, wheedling little toad who thinks it's in some way endearing to spout incoherent rubbish like, 'I can't not never ever eat my tomatoes'. By the way, why am I her primary carer? Where the hell are our parents...?"
11. The Little Princess
Good grief: that voice. Jane Horrocks' Lancastrian doodlebug drone was bad enough on Absolutely Fabulous. At 6.47am on Milkshake – even with the pillow wrapped around your head – it's like someone cheese-grating your ears.
12. The Hoobs
Five fuzzy-felt, sub-Muppet knockoffs that look like an ungraded GCSE art project and use infuriating terms like 'hoobalicious' and 'tiddlypeeps', The Hoobs will make you pray for a power-cut. We'd rather be stuck in a lift with the Tweenies, and that's saying something.
13. Mr Bloom
Is it just us, or is there something slightly disturbing about a West Country yokel who loiters in a potting-shed talking to root vegetables?
In 2006, Pixar's ball-dropping Cars introduced us to Mater: a slack-jawed, buck-toothed, clinically stupid pickup truck whose Deep South drawl sounds alarmingly like the rednecks from Deliverance. Pixar should have included a DVD feature where you press the red button to have him stripped for parts.
15. Justin Fletcher
Fair enough, Something Special is a worthy programme. But with Gigglebiz and Justin's House spreading Justin Fletcher over the CBeebies listings with a trowel, you've probably seen more of this goonish man-child than your own partner since you got back from the delivery suite. For the love of God, please make it stop.
Do you agree with our assessment or too harsh? Who else would you add?
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