It feels like only yesterday that we were laughing out loud at the ridiculousness of Country Life's '39 Steps To Being A Gentlemen', but now, in the interest of gender equality, they have released another corker with their '39 Steps To Being A Lady'.
The guide, which focusses almost entirely on domesticity, appears to have been published 50 years too late and we're not quite sure whether it is a parody. (Fingers crossed it is.)
Our personal favourites from the out-of-touch guide have to be step 7 (Excels at making love, lasagne and long gin and tonics) and step 23 (Knows when to let a man think it’s his idea).
But then, to give credit where credit is due, each step is equally as bad as the other.
If this is what it takes to 'be a lady', count us out.
Here are the 39 steps in all their infamous glory:
1 Finds laughter is the best medicine
2 Can say ‘thank you’ no matter where she is in the world
3 Cooks perfect, crispy roast potatoes
4 Offers to split the bill
5 Knows that everyone, including herself, improves with age
6 Offers the builder a cup of tea
7 Excels at making love, lasagne and long gin and tonics
8 Can silence a man with a stare and make a dog lie down with a hand signal—and vice versa
9 Can imitate Piglet and Pooh voices for a bedtime story
10 Prefers Mr Knightley to Mr Wickham, but is secretly in love with Rupert Campbell-Black
11 Never downs a drink in one, unless it’s a shot of tequila
12 Is aware that the school run and dog walking do not require full make-up
13 Never wears shoes she can’t walk in
14 Knows when a man is spoken for
15 Can paunch a rabbit, pluck a pheasant and gut a fish, but allows men the privilege
16 Remembers her godchildren’s birthdays
17 Knows songs for a long car journey
18 Is neither early for a dinner party nor late for church
19 Doesn’t over-pluck her eyebrows
20 Knows how to deflect a lecher with grace, and a proposal with kindness
21 Comforts nervous flyers
22 Would never have Botox
23 Knows when to let a man think it’s his idea
24 Would never own a handbag dog
25 Can tie—and untie—a bow tie
26 Might not understand the rules of rugby and cricket, but enjoys the game anyway
27 Knows when to take control in the bedroom and the boardroom
28 Knows the difference between Bentley & Skinner and Baddiel and Skinner
29 Instills manners in her children, but lets their characters flourish
30 Knows when to deadhead a rose
31 Is never afraid to overdress
32 Can handle a sports car, a sit-on mower and a ski lift
33 Knows when to stop dyeing her hair
34 Teaches her son to iron his shirts and her daughter to change a fuse
35 Owns a little black dress
36 Always has a hanky
37 Knows that ‘brevity is the soul of lingerie’
38 Has kissed several frogs and made them feel like princes
39 However lucky in life, she doesn’t boast on Facebook