It seems impossible to condense the diverse experiences of married life into just 140 characters or less. But somehow these husbands and wives did it ― and with humor too!
Below, 27 marriage tweets that are right on the money.
Wife: I'm going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) March 20, 2017
"You see, when a man loves a woman very, very much, he makes her coffee," I explain to my kids while looking at my husband.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) February 17, 2017
WIFE: the dishwasher still needs to be emptied
ME: oh I didn't realize
MICROWAVE: he knew
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) March 16, 2017
[kissing]
Wife: *breathy whisper* Do you want to take my shirt off?
Me: *breathy whisper* I'm not wearing your shirt
— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) April 10, 2017
Before marriage, men would wander parking lots aimlessly because they had no one to point out the open spots.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) March 26, 2017
You'd think my husband would like it when my 8yo beatboxes as I do the robot but NOOOO he's on a "conference call" and we're "distracting."
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) March 7, 2016
wife: Drive safe
me: Ok
wife *sends text*
wife *sends another text*
wife *sends another text asking why I'm not responding to her texts*
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) April 10, 2017
Marriage is about sitting down and discussing our options like adults until we can both agree on my original opinion.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 25, 2017
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) March 30, 2017
Wife: Were you drunk last night?
Me:*recalls ordering 59 tacos and losing them* A little, why?
W:*opens sock drawer full of tacos
M: Ohhh
— ⓛⓐⓜⓔ ᗪᗩᗪ (@jergarl) March 22, 2017
[my wife and I reach for the last chicken wing at the same time] I swear to god I will divorce you
— rob elliott (@rockymomax) April 9, 2017
Wife: What's wrong?
Me: I'm having an existential crisis.
Wife: When you're done, take out the garbage.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 17, 2017
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She'll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
— Twin Dad (@TwinSurvivalist) January 3, 2017
Me: the book is so much better
Wife [pauses Shrek 3]: can you stop interrupting every 2 minutes
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) March 17, 2017
Toddler: *crying bc it isn't her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you're 35
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) February 5, 2017
I'll be on my deathbed and my husband will still say, "Oh man. I've got the worst cold ever. The. Worst."
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) March 22, 2017
My wife got me a beer with lunch without even asking me in case anyone wants to know what true love looks like.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) February 19, 2017
Me: I'm glad I got married. Everyone needs a sidekick.
Wife: Good point, Robin.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 22, 2017
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*
Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) March 16, 2017
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) April 2, 2017
My fantasies include my husband clearing the dishes while I have an uninterrupted bath, incase you're wondering how long I've been married.
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) April 11, 2017
When you're dating, you message your partner about sex & fun date ideas. When you're married, it's about breakfast cereal iron content.
— My Name is Mommy (@mommywhitfield) March 10, 2017
*wife and I staring at our tax refund*
Wife: Do you know what we can do with this?
Me: Otter?!
Wife: Pay off credit cards...
Me: Lame
— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) March 23, 2017
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating "You Better Shape Up Scene" from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You're home early.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) January 23, 2016
Hello couchness my old friend
I've come to sleep on you again
Because a wife softly seething
Hates the fact that I'm breathing
— Jack C (@Jack_C44) December 27, 2016
My husband and I are playing a team sport where one game lasts 18 years. The rules are unclear and instead of Gatorade we drink wine.
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) October 18, 2016
Wife: Will you please put your phone away?
Me: *puts phone away
Me: *starts talking to my wife
Wife: *hands me my phone
— Dan (@DanorSlim) April 7, 2017
