17/03/2014 17:48 GMT | Updated 15/05/2014 06:59 BST

The Lynx Effect

Y'know the Lynx advert? Where the guy simply applies anti-perspirant and women flock to him. Well, it's bollocks. Total bollocks in-fact. I've been through plenty of cans in my time, from Africa to Java and back again, and I can tell you, with my hand on my armpits, that paying an extra quid-fifty for Lynx deodorant is money wasted. Money that is better spent on TRESemme shampoo - recommended by actual professionals don'tcha'know, and not just some smelly, tousle-haired, lothario cunt in a sandstone bathroom.

Now that I think about it, there have been a few Lynx campaigns that I've found equally implausible.

There was a 'Fallen Angels' ad ( which sounds like a charity appeal for Victorias Secret models that have been injured at work, and doesn't just show frenzied, earthling women chasing the heady £2.79 scent, but actually suggests that if you believe in celestial beings, well then they fall right out of the sky and arrive at the bistro you're lunching in, with all the poise and grace of Jennifer Lawrence on a red carpet (seriously though, how the fuck does that woman survive on tiles or lino if that's how she behaves on carpet)...But all that, for a whiff of Lynx? I don't think so.

The only way you're going to find yourself surrounded by women as a consequence of deodorant, is if you work in Boots and offer free samples (but I think that's mainly perfume) Or, you could strap twenty cans of Lynx to your body, walk into the Houses of Parliament and ignite them; As rumor would have it, you'll find yourself surrounded by at least seventy beautiful virgins...I best copyright that before it becomes their next campaign.

Perhaps Lynx are to blame for those blokes that sit next to you on the train and absolutely stink to high heaven of spices and lemons. After a few days of applying a reasonable amount of body-spray and having no busty, size 6 women flock their way, they're confused. It doesn't specify the required amount on the Manufacturer's 'Guidelines for Use' and so they glaze themselves in deodorant until people who are forced to sit next to them in enclosed spaces, pass out and slump into their laps. The Lynx Effect...Tosh! The Rohypnol Effect