03/11/2014 11:56 GMT | Updated 03/01/2015 05:59 GMT

Artisanal Hipster Cocaine

Conversation overheard in a Brooklyn cafe, two years after cocaine was legalised

PROPRIETOR: So yea, we have over 42 strains in stock now and -

CUSTOMER: Strains?

PROPRIETOR: Oh yes, it's all about the leaf you choose, I mean if you're looking for straight up, old-fashioned Colombian we absolutely have that, but really the best quality leaves are coming from Japan right now.

CUSTOMER: I had no idea

PROPRIETOR: Most people don't. Time was you couldn't get anything outside of South America but now we're seeing some vintage production from Japan. We have exclusive access to a farm on Shikoku that's - and keep this to yourself - been going for more than a decade now.

CUSTOMER: I didn't think Japan even had the climate for the coca leaf.

PROPRIETOR: Common mistake.

CUSTOMER: Well, I've been buying my jeans from Japan for years...

PROPRIETOR: Exactly. If you're looking for something a bit more exotic, try the Old Musty, from England. Subtle, toasty flavour on the nasal membrane followed by a dry, molten chocolate warmth on the throat.

CUSTOMER: Hmm, I like something a little sweeter. You know, like a sugary, chocolatey vibe?

PROPRIETOR: No problem, we have some classic Javan that will just give you the best experience. Sweet, floaty up with an earthy, nutty down.

CUSTOMER: Oh, that sounds wonderful. Tell me, is it roasted in-house?

PROPRIETOR: We have our own processing plant right around the block - where the community centre used to be.

CUSTOMER: That is so great. Business should totally support the community.

PROPRIETOR: Uh huh. There are a few expert, artisinal overseers from Mexico but apart from that it's almost 100% local.

CUSTOMER: Fantastic. So I'll take two grams of the Finca del Jabanero, a gram of the Fazenda do Lacano and a gram of the Old Musty Grenson. Do you have anything for the morning after?

PROPRIETOR: Oh, no, you'll still feel worthless, ashamed and promise yourself you'll never do it again. See you next week.