05/09/2014 08:22 BST | Updated 04/11/2014 05:59 GMT

Watching England is Like Watching a Train Crash Dubbed With Fart Noises

So here we are again; downbeat, un-romanced and underwhelmed by our nation's football team... Shit at the Euros; Shit in World Cup Qualifiers, Shit at the World Cup. Uncle Roy needs to go, and he needs to go now.

I can't take it anymore. It bores me that our press don't want to bring it upon themselves to speak the truth. So here goes:

Roy Hodgson needs to go ASAP. It's that simple.

You have to take your hat off to Roy. How, oh how, has he managed to convince us that he's done a good job is beyond me. The guy needs a medal or at least some sort of appreciation letter from Derren Brown congratulating him on his ability to brainwash the media into not lambasting him for his disastrous performance as England manager. Let's look at the facts: Shit at the Euros; Shit in World Cup Qualifiers; Shit at the World Cup (2 losses, 1 draw). And yet, somehow, he is still employed by the FA as Head Coach. You see, for all the post WC talk of how we, as a nation, need to change things, shake it up and set a new path for our football team, we revert back to type and stick with the man who looks intent on turning us into a Premier League team capable of finishing 16th with the caveat of having a decent run in the League Cup. And now, not content with ignoring the true talents of his team and the direction they should be heading, he has cemented his - and our - doom by making Wayne Rooney captain (but more on that later).

Although if I will say something positive about Roy, it's that he is, without doubt, the best party organiser the FA have ever had. Our preparation for the world cup was quite easily, the best ever. Nice hotels, special vests, fun games for the players, and even, I'm told, Jammie Dodgers. In fact, if World Cups were decided on preparation alone, we would have won by a country mile. People would be lining the streets of our great nation rejoicing, swinging their cocks in the air as our heroes held the gleaming gold trophy aloft. Tears would flow, bodily fluids would be exchanged, and England would have a nation of babies called Hodgson. But unfortunately for Roy, football is won on the football pitch, and not in the party aisle of Asda.

So here we are again; downbeat, un-romanced and underwhelmed by our nation's football team. Some could argue it's everything we expected the ex-West Brom boss to deliver anyway. But that doesn't make it easier, especially when you look at the facts again: Shit at the Euros; Shit in World Cup Qualifiers, Shit at the World Cup.

Uncle Roy needs to go, and he needs to go now (although I'm thinking he should still stay on as the FA's chief party organiser - apparently he does a lovely victoria sponge).

Wayne Rooney

Now it would be easy to slam Wayne. But that's because he's been utter shite for the last eight years. If he had been any good, it would be decidedly much harder.

And now, after years of being utter shite, and no sign of him getting any better, Roy 'Party Hat' Hodgson has made him England captain. This is quite frankly one of the biggest backward steps ever. Instead of moving forwards, we appoint a man as England Captain who has epitomised English failure for the last eight years. Wayne Rooney is tried and tested for England, and he has failed miserably. Why can the powers that be not see it? Apparently he deserves the captaincy. According to BBC Chief Sports Writer Phil McNulty, Wayne conducts himself very well in press conferences. So what? Football is won on the pitch, and on the pitch Rooney is absolute dog shit. He's finished. He prances around spraying a few nice passes with the air of someone who's playing a Sports Relief testimonial alongside Boris 'Bite Yer Legs' Johnson. His DOB may say that he's 28, but realistically he plays like a 36 year-old (has he got a Nigerian passport?). Ask John O'Shea and Wes Brown, or the Burnley defence, or any team for that matter. Time after time, he's had the platform to shine, and every time he has failed. EVERY. TIME.

I wonder how many boxers would get that opportunity?

Wayne Rooney is a spent force, and the sooner we realise it, the better. Yes, every now and then he may show a touch of class to remind us of the player he used to be, but then so would Glenn Hoddle given half the chance. It's just a shame people like Roy don't realise this. Instead, old Party Cakes makes him England captain. Which means he won't be dropped. Which means we're stuck with him and his no turn of pace, bad ball control and annoying knack of scoring against utterly gash teams from three yards out, which in turn colours his scoring record and makes his England career seem respectable. England need to build their team around Stirling, Sturridge and possibly Lallana. All Fat Wayne serves to do is disrupt any progress our team stands to make; he holds us back tactically. It seems every manager is obsessed with bringing Wayne back to his form of 2004. Forget it Roy, it's not 2004 anymore; Desperate Housewives is finished, so are you, and so is Wayne Rooney.