My mum said to me last night that I had sad eyes.
I felt sad. Genuinely.
Sad for me. Sad for Big Pig. I don't know whether his behaviour is spurred by testing the boundaries, or what he has been through, or that he has chicken pox. Or that he has moved rooms, or that he is a 5yo boy who has so many feelings he doesn't quite know what to do with them.
Yesterday it seemed his mission to upset his sister. When I asked him why, he said she wasn't upset that they'd moved rooms and he was angry, he wanted her to be sad too! I think this is pretty advanced for a 5yo. Match that with early trauma, his little mind probably doesn't know what to do with itself.
So, when at the end of the day I think about how cross he can make me. How I have to walk away and count to 10, sometimes 20, to calm down, I feel incredibly guilty. He can't help it but I should be able to not rise to it.
We had a horrific day on Monday, everything spiralled out of control and we all ended up in tears at one point or another. Since then I've really tried to be as calm and as level headed as possible. But when he swears at me, calls me stupid, slaps me, I admit for a few seconds I take it personally. He'll have been playing or we'll have been laughing moments before and then something so small - normally me having to ask him not to do something - will end up with him lashing out.
Yesterday was better but by the end of the day I was drained. I felt desperately sorry for him, I'll be honest; I felt a bit sorry for myself. I felt sorry for Piglet who had got the brunt of it that day and who when I comforted her, Big Pig gave me the look that he often gives. It's not really jealousy, it's more disappointment that I've chosen to spend that moment with her and not him.
He loves the bones of Piglet and she him. But the other night he asked me if I liked her more than him. When I said no and explained I loved them both so much and listed all the things I liked about him. He then said but I love you more than anyone. Who do you love more? And then listed all our close friends and family.
It's at moments like these that I realise just how vulnerable he is. So yesterday I was sad because I worry that I'm not doing enough for him. Maybe we should get some intervention to help him but new people unsettle him so much that would that not lead him to feel even more anxious?
If anyone has gone through similar parenting issues, adoption or not, and has any suggestions, I would love to hear from you.
And today is another day. We never hold grudges and we move on and try a little bit harder than the day before. I'm still convinced that love will get us through. A few bumps or massive hurdles along the way but we will get there. Wherever there is!