26/03/2013 10:52 GMT | Updated 26/05/2013 06:12 BST

The Endless War Between God and Chocolate (Chocolate Wins)

They say the Devil has the best tunes, and whoever "they" are, they are correct. What these people don't mention is that the Devil also has the best Easter eggs.

This time of year, the shelves are stacked with chocolate eggs made by companies that would probably set fire to your face and steal your bedroom furniture given half the chance. And they are the best eggs, with reams of chocolate, novelty mugs, novelty egg-cups and tons of sweets inside. The kind of egg that has small children bowking rich brown vomit all over Easter Sunday.

So, this year, my partner Jane's parents (who are not religious in the slightest) gave us a religious Easter egg. We suspect that it is because it is Fair Trade and not made by certain companies that would probably set fire to your head given half the chance, rather than any misguided attempt to God Me Up.

Being deity-curious atheists and not religious in the slightest, and in the face of a chocolate crisis, we ate it on the Monday before Easter. IN YOUR FACE, JESUS!

And what can you expect from this Fair Trade Jesus Egg in a crowded market of reams of chocolates, novelty mugs, novelty egg-cups and tons of sweets?

Answer: A leaflet showing a man being betrayed by his friend and subsequently executed*, and the taste of disappointment.

God, if you're out there, you've got a lot of catching up to do. Next year, how about a novelty egg cup in the shape of a Grail?

* Stick with it though, you'll love the twist at the end