I decided that in order to conduct this strictly anthropological experiment, I was going to need to create a profile that was completely removed from who I really was. Also, I wanted to ensure maximum response so composed a profile that painted Kristie as a no bullshit, easy going kinda girl (emphasis on the 'easy'). I wanted Kristie Kreme to be the kind of girl who could read Naomi Wolf's new book without blushing repeatedly at the word 'vagina'. The kind of liberated feminist who had no qualms about knowing what she wanted and taking it. A girl who would turn a walk of shame into a march of glory. Whether or not such a girl really existed, I wanted Kristie to be her.
"Okay so I'll be honest, I'm not sure what to expect. I work in the city (insurance, don't ask) my friends will probably think I'm mad for doing this but dating bores me. Pick up lines bore me, I'm a busy girl with a lot to do and sometimes after a late Friday night and a few drinks out, well....
Don't message me any boring crap, don't message me if you're short or fat or ugly.
Send me picture, make sure they're good and who knows, some fun could be had.
My ideal person: I like blondes, I like six packs, I'm not into kinky or 50 shades of kinky. I don't do sleepovers and I don't do cuddles."
And there it was. The profile was complete, and comforted by the fact I hadn't paid anything (so wasn't doing it for real), I waited.
A day later no messages.
Two days later, despite my profile being viewed 32 times, still no messages.
I couldn't help but feel slighted. Was Kristie too intimidating? Was she too full on? Do you seriously need to 'play it cool' when serving up no strings sex on a digital plate?! I wondered if I should have gone for the demure approach, a shy timid creature who writes 'hehe' a lot. Maybe it was the picture of the Russian beauty I'd downloaded that seemed unbelievable, but I was far too 'girl next door' to pull off being Kristie Kreme myself.
Then it happened, I had a message, and nothing could have prepared me for what I found. Yes, obviously he'd sent a picture of his penis but that wasn't the surprising part.
'DKeats' (28/Islington) had blonde boyband hair, a face that reminded me of Pre-Heroin Kurt Cobain and even though the picture was taken on a camera phone and I could see an extremely unappealing studenty looking bed in the background (and a discarded pair of socks) there was no denying that he was very cute and worse still, he sounded... smart!
I like your blunt sexual avarice.
I share your sensibilities.
I do expect photographic reciprocation. Your profile is somewhat light in that regard.
I had to look up the meaning of avarice (def. insatiable greed for riches; inordinate, miserly desire to gain and hoard wealth)... I don't get it.
He was cute, AND he knew how to use words I didn't in contexts I don't understand!
Was I actually a little nervous to message back? Uh oh. This is bad.
To be continued....