The History Of Friendship: How Friendship Evolved And Why It's Fundamental To Your Happiness

The History Of Friendship: Why It's So Fundamental To Your Happiness
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Friendship isn't just something we humans do - anyone who has seen kittens and puppies cuddling or chimpanzees enjoying a good nit-picking session can attest that friendship occurs across different species.

According to the Evolutionary Origins of Friendship, when animals form friendships, "male allies have superior competitive ability and improved reproductive success; females with the strongest, most enduring friendships experience less stress, higher infant survival, and live longer."

But while the paleo version of friendships, back when we were cavemen, may have been largely linked to survival, the core benefits of friendship have not changed much.

"We used to need friends for survival," says the popular philosopher Alain de Botton talking to HuffPost UK Lifestyle, "now we have the police and the state for survival. So what are friends for? They are there to support us in our commitments, to guide us gently away from risks, and to help us to develop our thoughts and insights. The job has turned from physical to psychological."

It can be easy, sometimes, to lose the idea of what friendship is or should be about.

But essentially, says Karin Sieger, psychotherapist and HuffPost UK blogger, true friendships "are based on unconditional concern for the other. We do things for the other out of friendship not in order to gain anything. Friendships can provide grounding, safety, comfort, the experience of trust and respect, of being understood and valued."

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So what does that mean in a 21st century setting? A lot of us - especially women - follow a pattern of friendship, where you have lots of friends at school, even more friends when you go on to university and then one by one, our friends seem to drop off.

When we go through challenging times too or if we disagree with friends, it can be easy to shut them out. Or to think that you don't need friends now that you're married/have children.

But psychotherapist Dr Sheri Jacobson says: "Although many of us like to think we can 'go it alone', we are social, tribal creatures by nature. Closeness helps us develop important skills like communication and commitment. If we grow up without intimacy and don't foster intimacy in our adult friendships, we might be less likely, to, say, commit to a job long-term and work well with others.

"Friendship can make us feel like life has meaning, and conversely, when we push friends and family away, we can feel isolated and lonely. This depletes our self-esteem and can lead to low mood. Without intimacy through friendships, we can lose the motivation and inspiration to strive for what we desire. And if we distance ourselves from intimacy, we can start cutting off in other parts of our lives too. If we can't be close with family and friends, it's less likely, for example, that we are able to ask for help from colleagues at work when we need it."

Whereas friendships once were about survival, immigration and the Industrial Revolution impacted the role friends began to play in the absence of family and living in the same community you were born into.

Karin adds: "With the later increase in disposable income, leisure time and suburbia men could develop new foundations and outlets for friendships."

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Think clubbing, hanging out in the pub, kitty parties, society balls, dinners, football games, car pooling and play dates.

So what does a 21st century friendship look like? Dr Robert Holden, director of The Happiness Project and Happiness NOW! says: "21st century friendships are soul friendships. They are about supporting each other to live a life that is full of purpose, courage and creativity."

However there are challenges - in this digital world of ours, it's harder to maintain or make meaningful relationships. We are more independent than ever, and the only predators we really need help with are rubbish dates.

"If you go to the heart of our western culture," says Dr David Hamilton, author of Why Kindness Is Good For You, "you'll find that we are a very independent culture. We think in terms of "I" and see ourselves in competition with others.

"Some other cultures (particularly Eastern) think more in terms of "We" and they see themselves as in relationship with each other. It's called, 'Inter-dependent'. My advice is to think less "I" and start thinking and acting more "We". When we do this we start to feel that we are part of something. We tend to feel more connected and therefore less lonely. My experience is that it subtly affects our behaviour so that we are more likely to move into social circles."

Robert agrees. He says: "One of the biggest blocks to happiness is what I call dysfunctional independence, which is about trying to do life all by yourself. You can’t be completely independent and enjoy intimacy. True friendship means that sometimes you have to be vulnerable, ask for help, and let the love in."

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When you're going through a tough time, that can be easier said than done. Especially if it's depression, or a situation you don't want to talk to your friends about.

But Sheri advises: "I have seen many clients who come to therapy for help with depression, working such long hours that they don’t get as much contact with friends (and family) as they need. Clients are often surprised, down the road, when they spend quality time connecting with friends, that this can directly elevate their mood.

"It’s also noteworthy that a common regret when individuals are on their death-bed is 'not staying in touch with friends’. Which goes to show how valuable friendships are to us."

But pick your friends wisely.

Dr Tom Stevens, consultant psychiatrist at the London Bridge Hospital says: "From a purely psychiatric perspective an important issue here is how your friend will respond when you are in trouble. In many ways practical and emotional support during crises are undoubtedly beneficial. However when exposed to life difficulties being let down by a friend has been shown to make matters worse than having no friend at all."

It appears that whereas once we used to rely on our friends to stay alive, now we rely on them for something equally important: navigating through the psychological parts of life.

As Sheri says: "Physical survival is not generally difficult in the Western world today, so you could ask why friendships are still important? I’d say that the need for friendships is an evolutionary imprint from a previous age, but that it still serves a vital purpose today - namely providing emotional support which ultimately contributes to good mental health.

Dr. Irene Levine's Friendship Tips
Know When To Cut Ties (01 of12)
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Sometimes it’s hard to know when a friendship is broken beyond repair. If you feel uncomfortable, find yourself avoiding the person, are bored when you’re together or experience a visceral reaction like headaches or stomachaches, it may be time to cut ties. Don’t ignore the signs – but you also shouldn’t give up on the friendship too soon. Once you end the friendship, it’s hard to go back. (credit:Getty Images)
Be Cautious When Breaking Up With A Friend (02 of12)
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It can be very difficult to end a friendship – after all, this is someone who you care about. The best way to slowly break away is to dilute the relationship – see the friend less often, socialize in groups and don’t initiate too much contact. Establish distance and your friend will most likely notice the signals. (credit:Getty Images)
Agree To Disagree On Touchy Topics(03 of12)
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Politics, money and religion can be friendship killers. When two people have very different viewpoints on these sensitive topics, they should agree that they’re off-limits. If one of these things is a big part of your life, it may not be possible to sustain a relationship with someone who holds different beliefs. (credit:Getty Images)
Attract New Friends By Staying Active(04 of12)
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If you’re seeking new friends, get out and pursue your interests! No one is more attractive to others than someone who is engaged in life. Whether you join a gym, take an art course, sign up for dancing lessons or volunteer at a nonprofit, find something that stirs your passions and places you in regular contact with the same people week after week. Friendships will follow. (credit:Getty Images)
Cope With Changes To Your Friendships(05 of12)
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Oftentimes, when women begin a new romantic relationship, they have less time for their friends. Fortunately, most women realize that it’s important to maintain their female friendships. Acknowledge that your friend may not have as much time or interest to spend on your relationship at the moment. Adapt to the situation – plan to spend shorter periods of time together or make a standing date to chat once per month. As time goes on, your friend may achieve a better balance and have more time to spend with you. (credit:Getty Images)
Hang On To Old Friends(06 of12)
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As time goes on, you may have less in common with old friends, but don’t let your relationships fall by the wayside. You may not have anything in common currently, but you do have a shared history. Sometimes it’s nice to get together with friends who knew your parents when they were alive or know the block you grew up on. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing – you can make it a more distant relationship by seeing each other once per year at reunions or staying in touch on the Internet. (credit:Shutterstock)
Don't Take It Personally(07 of12)
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Sometimes, friends bow out without an explanation. Often, their reasons have nothing to do with your friendship – they could be dealing with an illness that has a stigma or handling children with emotional problems. Reach out and see if you can figure out what’s going on. If your friend doesn’t want to talk, respect their desire for privacy. (credit:Getty Images)
Risk Reaching Out(08 of12)
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Don’t be embarrassed about being lonely or friendless. You’re certainly not the only one. Moreover, don’t let shame or embarrassment stop you from reaching out to new friends. Otherwise, your friendlessness will become a vicious cycle. (credit:Getty Images)
Don't Be A Doormat(09 of12)
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If you have a friend who keeps you waiting or uses you to do her bidding, you need to speak up for yourself. Set limits by communicating how your friend’s behavior affects you and provide a solution. Tell your friend to call you if she’s running late, and that you will only wait 10 minutes before leaving if you don’t hear from her. (credit:Getty Images)
Pick Your Travel Partners Wisely(10 of12)
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Traveling with friends can be challenging, but it can also be a wonderful adventure. First and foremost, you should never go on a trip with someone that you can’t stand having lunch with. Plan your destination together and talk very honestly about budget, dining, accommodations and activities. The planning process is just as important as the trip. (credit:Getty Images)
Stick By A Friend Going Through Hard Times(11 of12)
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If you have a friend who is going through something difficult, like a drug addiction or domestic violence, it’s important to be there for them, even if you don’t agree with their decisions. Give your friend resources and be supportive. Try to be there when they have the strength and courage to make the changes they need to. Try to hang on -- you could be one of the few ties your friend has left. (credit:Getty Images)
Have An Open Mind(12 of12)
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Many adults have the mistaken impression that everyone else is already paired up, and no one else is looking for new friends. In fact, many people are open to new friendships and contrary to the myth perpetuated by popular culture, most friendships don't last forever. Thus, you need to continually replenish your "stock" of friendships. (credit:Getty Images)