I Wish I Had Got Divorced Years Ago | HuffPost Life

I hear so often that people are too scared to leave and decide to settle for what they know. Sometimes there are good reasons to stay. However in some cases there are better reasons to leave.

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The Divorce Coach - helping you cope better with any break-up.

The Divorce Coach - helping you cope better with any break-up.

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Many unhappily married people put off divorce, as they are scared. Getting divorced is not an easy decision to make. It will have a huge impact on all areas of your life so it needs careful consideration. There are so many factors to consider such as:

- Are you making the right decision?

- How will it affect the kids?

- What lifestyle changes will it cause?

- How will you cope on your own?

I had a client recently who told me she had been thinking about leaving her husband for 12 years but she was frightened of the uncertainty and changes it would bring. So she stayed. "It's been 12 of the longest and saddest years of my life. I wish I had the courage to leave as soon as I knew it wasn't right for me. "

She left him three months ago and has felt so liberated and a huge sense of relief. She was worried she was being selfish by leaving so she stayed to keep the peace and not upset the kids or break up the family. Now the children have left home and have their own lives. So she felt it was the right time to leave.

" Of course I have had very sad days and moments when I wonder if I will ever be loved again. But at least now I have the chance to find true love and happiness."

Of course it's easier for children to adapt when they are very little, as they won't remember their parents being together as they grow up. However divorce is mainstream now and whatever age your children are they will know someone whose parents have broke up. There are some upsides as they don't have to witness any tension between parents and they get two birthdays and two Christmas dinners! Divorce doesn't have to damage kids but this will depend heavily on how both parents act.

It's interesting that the divorce rate for over 60's is increasing. Life expectancy has increased so instead of being widowed people are getting divorced.

Marriage rates are rising for the over 60's too so instead of settling for a life of being on their own, many are back in the dating game to find another partner. Internet dating has made finding a new relationship so much easier no matter what your age. There are a lot of grandparents looking for love on line too these days. And it works so why not!

One of my clients who is 68 years old wrote to tell me that after 4 months of Internet dating she has been on five dates with a lovely man who lives close to her and who also has 3 grandchildren. When she first contacted me she was terrified of dating again and had no idea where to start. All credit to her that she has been brave enough to try it and now is reaping the rewards.

I hear so often that people are too scared to leave and decide to settle for what they know. Sometimes there are good reasons to stay. However in some cases there are better reasons to leave. Of course there are no guarantees that you will find love again or that the grass will be greener. But life is what you make it. So it's up to you to create a new life that you want to live and that makes you happier.

Many clients tell me about the huge sense of relief just not being around their ex any more. They feel free and can relax now that they don't have to pretend or tolerate the things that made them unhappy. This can be worth its weight in gold.

You only live once so make it a good one!

The Most Fascinating Divorce Findings

Couples Who Share Housework Are More Likely To Divorce(01 of10)

Splitting chores could lead to divorce? According to a Norwegian study released in August 2012, the divorce rate among couples who divvy up household chores is roughly 50 percent higher than for those in which the wife handles the housework. So does that mean couples shouldn't split the chores equally? Not necessarily. Researchers say that the higher divorce rate has more to do with "modern" values and attitudes -- such as viewing marriage as less sacred -- rather than a cause-and-effect relationship. (credit:Shutterstock )

Divorce Could Be In A Woman's Genes (02 of10)

In February 2012, Swedish scientists released a study suggesting that a specific gene may explain why some women have a hard time committing, or staying committed, should they marry.The researchers found that women who possessed a variation of the oxytocin receptor gene known as A-allele were less likely to get married due to difficulty bonding with other people. Those with the gene who did marry were 50 percent more likely to report "marital crisis or threat of divorce." (credit:Alamy )

A Close Relationship With Your In-Laws May Change Your Divorce Odds (03 of10)

In November 2012, a 26-year longitudinal study released by the University of Michigan found that when a husband reported having a close relationship with his wife's parents, the couple's risk of divorce decreased by 20 percent. On the other hand, when a wife reported having a close relationship with her husband's parents, the couple's risk of divorce increased by 20 percent.Why the difference? Researcher Terry Orbuch told the Wall Street Journal that she believes that many wives eventually view their in-laws' input as meddlesome, while husbands tend to take their in-laws' actions less personally. (credit:Shutterstock )

Men Are More Likely Than Women To Turn To Drinking After A Split(04 of10)

A University of Cincinnati study presented in August 2012 found that men are more likely than women to turn to drinking after divorce. "Marriage and divorce have different consequences for men's and women's alcohol use," study author Corinne Reczek told Health Day. "For men, it's tempered by being married and exacerbated by being divorced."Additionally, the study suggested that married women drink more than their divorced or widowed friends -- partly because they lived with men who had higher levels of alcohol use. (credit:Shutterstock )

Cold Feet Warn Of Marital Trouble Ahead(05 of10)

Don't ignore those pre-wedding jitters: they may warn of marital trouble ahead, according to a UCLA study published in the Journal of Family Psychology in September 2012. Researchers asked 232 newlyweds in their first marriages whether they had "ever been uncertain or hesitant about getting married" after they got engaged. The research team followed up with the couples every six months for the first four years of their marriages. In a HuffPost blog, one of the researchers, Justin Lavner, explained that premarital doubts predicted divorce rates four years later, especially when the doubtful partner was the wife. According to Lavner, "19 percent of couples in which wives had doubts were divorced four years later, but only 8 percent of couples in which wives did not have doubts ended up divorced. Husbands' doubts did not significantly predict divorce, although divorce rates were somewhat higher among husbands with doubts (14 percent) than husbands without doubts (9 percent)." (credit:Alamy)

Men Who Cheat Are More Likely To Have Heart Attacks(06 of10)

According to a study released in May 2012 by the University of Florence, “sudden coital death” is more common when a man is engaging in extramarital sex in an unfamiliar setting than when he's having sex with his spouse at home. The researchers found that infidelity outside the home was associated with "a higher risk of major cardiovascular event," including fatal heart attacks. “Extra-martial sex may be hazardous and stressful because the lover is often younger than the primary partner and probably sex occurs more often following excessive drinking and/or eating," researcher Dr. Alessandra Fisher told the Daily Mail. “It is possible that a secret sexual encounter in an unfamiliar setting may significantly increase blood pressure and heart rate, leading to increased oxygen demand.” (credit:Shutterstock )

Moving In Before Marriage No Longer Predicts Divorce(07 of10)

Living together before marriage is no longer a strong predictor of divorce, according to a study released by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in early 2012.As part of a marriage survey of 22,000 men and women, researchers found that those who were engaged and living together before the wedding were about as likely to have marriages that lasted 15 years as couples who hadn't cohabited. What about couples who moved in together but weren't engaged? The study found their marriages were less likely to survive to the 10- and 15-year mark. (credit:Alamy)

Divorce Is Too Expensive For The Poorest Americans(08 of10)

More couples are opting for long-term marital separations because they cannot afford to divorce, according to a study conducted by Ohio State University that was published in August 2012. Researchers surveyed 7,272 people between 1979 and 2008. Most people in the study who separated from a spouse reported getting a divorce within three years of separating. But 15 percent of people who separated did not get a divorce within the first 10 years because it was too costly, especially when children were involved. (credit:Shutterstock )

Divorce Hurts Health More At Earlier Ages (09 of10)

Divorce at a younger age hurts people’s health more than divorce later in life, according to a Michigan State University study released in January 2012.Sociologist Hui "Cathy" Liu looked at self-reported health information of 1,282 participants over the last 15 years, analyzing the difference in well-being between those who remained married over the course of the study and those who divorced. Among the divorced, Liu found that those who split at a younger age tended to have more health issues than those who divorced later in life. Liu said the findings suggested older people have more coping skills to deal with the stress of divorce. (credit:Alamy )

Women Close To Divorcing Tend To Work More Hours(10 of10)

In November 2012, the European Economic Review released a study that revealed women who clock an extra 12 minutes per week face a 1 percent increase in the risk of a marital breakdown.Why? Lead researcher Berkay Ozcan, PhD, explained that working more hours is a "form of insurance" for women when their marriage is on the rocks. The study also found that there is no strong evidence to suggest men do the same when divorce seems likely. (credit:Alamy)

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