I suffered the symptoms of a mini break up recently, its not been very nice but its happened and here it is in words.
A recent date, that seemingly went well, was built upon and preceeded electronic banter a la facebook. Stupid banter where I would try to conjure up silly scenarios (if your a ninja I'm a samurai kinda stuff) where it would just be the two of us, to make her laugh and subconsciously drive her thoughts to me.
We'd spent 9pm till past midnight in a couple bars chatting and having a laugh parting on the potential we would meet up again, she would try and fit me into her busy schedule. I wanted to fit into that schedule quite badly. The fb chatter continued... not too much not too little.
All seemed well until our latest training session (where we met). She repeated jokes I'd sent her in the confines of a fb message in front of other people and also said one of my training mates should join in on our chats in future. The intimacy betrayal was actually a bit hurtful and I think she did it to create some distance between us.
I hadn't excessively messaged and she had messaged me after I'd intentionally left days without writing. I wanted to make sure I wasn't bombarding her with unwanted texts.
My main problem was I had put her up on a pedestal. I'd imagined what it would be like to fancy then fall for her. Little scenarios were played out in my head, living and travelling together. Time together and time apart. Its not hard to fancy a young beautiful witty woman in a male dominated training area. Every other guy fancying her just ups the stakes increasing the drive.
Now I just feel daft and stupid for thinking she was interested. I've allowed myself to feel down because I know while I am feeling down she won't be. I've imagined the fun she will be having with other people, other guys, people I know, guys I know and train with, the intimate sex she would have with them... not me, the feelings she will have for them not me.
She's already turned the light off on me and I am desperately wanting to get out of the dark. Lonely monsters lurk.
She represents rejection and what I am suffering now is not really 'her' but almost my need to revisit those times of significant pain when I'd been dumped from much longer and far more significant relationships. That hollow pain, so much more than a cut or bruise, a sickness from sorrow. That feeling your on your own, cold and vulnerable. Not really caring about much, no want or need to focus on anything or anyone else. All thoughts revolving around said individual, stupid thoughts such as making sure you look upbeat walking home at night so that hopefully she is in a passing car and sees I am OK which makes her find me strong and attractive. Or something I'll do to lift my spirits will eventually lead to her admiring me, wanting me but I won't care about her anymore, I'll have moved on and she will have lost her chance to be with me.
Sheesh seriously!!! All this after 1 date. I know it sounds pathetic, maybe even mentally unhinged, I could try and convince you otherwise but if you've made your mind up who am I to judge :) I do think though that what I write does not make me more complex, emotional or individual. I think I am sharing something plucked from the human experience.
What I want, is what I cannot have. So I just have to learn to ignore and move on. All those times I want her to be in a passing car or walking by means I am missing all the other beautiful women, more successful, more interesting, more attractive and most important of all, really the one thing prized over all other attributes right now, more interested.