I saw a post on Facebook the other day from a fellow writer on the fact that there are no good writers out there anymore.
That everything these days is about "lists".
That nothing is written from the heart anymore.
I try as often as I can to write from my heart.
And what is it that my heart is trying to tell me?
Most of the time, it's to run away from any emotion that arises within me. To banish it as quickly as it surfaces. To return to my comfort zone. Not letting the pendulum swing too far in the direction of "feeling".
To keep that shit under control.
Over the past 12 months, I have gone on an incredible journey.
The journey within.
A journey that a lot of us don't ever get to undertake. For several reasons.
We are immersed in our daily routines, that prevent us from truly discovering what lies beneath.
Jobs that we hate. Children that we need to care for. Relationships that have run their course, yet, we choose to stay, out of comfort, and familiarity. Out of fear of the unknown. Because it's "easy".
I have the luxury now, of living my life exactly as I want to.
But with the freedom of choice, comes great responsibility.
Who am I? Where do I want to go? What do I want out of this relatively short life?
Last Monday, I signed my divorce papers.
It was an incredibly emotional day. I cried a lot.
I think the hardest part was having to dig out my marriage certificate.
My mind cast me back to that day when I was just a young girl with stars in her eyes, and pure love in her heart.
I got my neighbour down the street to witness the papers (she's a "Justice of the Peace"). She commented to myself and my ex-husband that it was a "shame that we couldn't work it out".
And it is. Of course it is. Yet, we did try very hard to "work it out".
She then took me aside, and privately commended me on my bravery for walking away.
Something that a lot of people refuse to do.
Out of fear.
I personally believe that a lot of relationships are deeply rooted in "co-dependency". Which is the motivating force behind why so many people stay.
However, I think it's a kindness to the other party, to recognise what is really going on, and to release that other person from the clutches of what our minds (or ego's) have decided what "normal" looks like.
"Normal", is different for everyone.
I drank a lot of wine that evening, as I attempted to grapple with the intensity of my emotions that were screaming to be dealt with.
Any ending (or beginning) of a life chapter will do that to you.
Not make you drink - but make you face, head on, whatever demons you have.
And at times, we attempt to numb ourselves to whatever it is that we are feeling. Push them to the wayside. And hey, I'm all about doing whatever it takes to get you to where you need to go...
And it made me reflect upon the year that has been.
I noticed it on Christmas Day actually. Over a month ago now.
The people that I was getting in touch with to wish them a Merry Christmas this year, were all new people in my life. People that had crossed my path during the last year. All of the new friends that I had made. The invaluable lessons I had learnt. In a lot of ways, I have "started from scratch" again, when it came to those that have my heart.
For some silly reason, up until this point, I thought I was hopeless, and deeply flawed at making friends.
And I realised something. I'm really good at making friends. Great, in fact.
If we are always projecting, and reflecting, then the people we are surrounded by, should give us an indication of the type of love that surrounds us. Of what we put out into the universe, we get back.
Like someone once told me "I am you. You are me".
And it's been overwhelming.
Which brings me back to my previous comment of "co-dependency" in relationships.
It's a slippery slope.
Of course, we all want to find that elusive "other half". Our "soulmate" (something I have touched on a bit, of late).
But what about finding the fabled "other half" of ourselves? Becoming whole? The perfect "yin and yang" balance that so many of us crave?
Is it just a fairytale?
I believe, that once we have undertaken that "journey within", that whoever we attract into our lives is there to complement what is. To improve upon what we already possess inside.
And it made me have another thought.
Am I now too independent? Am I now, too whole? Have I always had the "other half" within me this whole time?
Is it like the quote from my favourite childhood movie?
"Everything you were looking for was right there with you all along." - The Wizard Of Oz
But with this epiphany, have I become too whole? Untouchable?
Is there such a thing?
Do I run at any hint of emotion, affection, intimacy, kindness?
Is this my new "perfectly imperfect" flaw to be worked through?
Erecting my walls so high that no one can climb them?
Being so afraid to let anyone get close to me that I go back into my proverbial shell?
Attempting to control my outside environment to the point of near obsession?
The only advice I can offer on todays article is to be the quiet observer. Even though I potentially observe to the point of madness, overthink, and quite possibly, make monsters out of shadows.
Observe your feelings. Pay attention to what comes up for you.
Feel out that swirling feeling in your gut.
Pay attention to that intuition.
As uncomfortable as it may be.
And quoting the inspirational author Paulo Coelho, asking yourself the question - "If it's still in your mind, it's still in your heart". Which isn't a question at all. But a statement, if anything.
This morning, I woke up with a song on repeat in my head.
"Daydreamer" by Adele.
And being the "daydreamer" that I am, I couldn't help but look for some sort of a message in the lyrics of that song.
With eyes that make you melt
He lends his coat for shelter
Plus he's there for you
When he shouldn't be
But he stays all the same
Waits for you
Then sees you through"
Be your own daydreamer. Pay attention to that heart of yours, and what it's trying to tell you, and guide you towards. And let it see you through...