24/11/2011 17:51 GMT | Updated 24/01/2012 05:12 GMT

Lipgoss: Relationship Tips From Ashton Kutcher

Wasting our life on pop culture websites and gossip mags, so you don't have to

Having worked on glossy magazines, both weeklies and monthlies, for the best part of a decade, I'm well positioned to see the pros and cons of both. Working at a weekly is fast-paced and thrilling, but the stress forces you to transform gifted Hummingbird Bakery cupcakes into extra arse, and your friends and lovers only see you on Facebook. Working at a monthly, you occasionally get a lunchbreak, but you exist in a sort of seasonal timewarp whereby you're bored of Christmas by the time you finish the December issue in September, and you never know what month it truly is. However, the worst thing about a monthly is the gamble you take with your cover star.

And so we're dishing out a sympathetic arm-punch to poor Men's Health magazine, who interviewed Ashton Kutcher for their December issue back in October, when the star was still seemingly in a sound position to dish out cheesy wisdom about the secret to a long-lasting relationship. Now, of course, he's the most famous philanderer of the moment, and his wife, Demi Moore, has filed for divorce. Still keen to learn from the marriage master himself? "I think it's about working on the relationship and making it better...when it's good," preaches Kutcher in these now-outdated pages. "The goal is not to get into a relationship; the goal is to be in a relationship."

Another 'goal' is to not get caught shagging waitresses, but Kutcher didn't share this tip. Instead we get the following whinge: "I would just like a woman someday, somewhere, at some point in my life to say to me, 'You're a great listener,'" he moans. "Haven't heard it yet, and that's a superior compliment to get from a woman. But I'm going to work on it."

Hmmm, he might have to be patient for this one. The woman in his life is more likely to call him a "dirty big love rat" than a "good listener" right now.

Even more unfortunately for the mag, Kutcher's cover shot has him right next to an unrelated coverline blaring, "SEX SO's worth destroying your marriage for!" Okay, so we made up the last bit. But that's the inference. Oh, and Kutcher has been styled as a bar-room sleazeball who's about to ask 'suggestively' if you have any change for the condom machine.

To be fair, though (hey, so sometimes I feel like being fair - must be something to do with the moon) Kutcher wasn't the only bad bet this month: Kim Kardashian is on the cover of the December issue of US Marie Claire, talking about how great her marriage is: "We have a lot of trust, and I don't think either of us would do anything to break that," she lies, through gritted teeth. As every magazine editor knows, what a difference 21 days makes....

End This Womb-Watching Madness!

Another week, another female celebrity forced to declare that no, they are not pregnant, they just had a nice meal. This week, Katy Perry! "I like In-N-Out Burger and Taco Bell and if you want to make that pregnant that's your problem," said Perry. She's correct. Please can we stop with the womb-watching? It's totally creepy.

Lady Gaga Extends Evil Empire

Welcome to the season of cheap chocolate and rampant consumerism! May we unveil Lady Gaga's Winter Wonderland at Barneys in NYC, where crazed fans can spend $95 on a chocolate replica of one of her Alexander McQueen shoes.

Recession? Quoi recession?