01/10/2014 13:11 BST | Updated 01/12/2014 05:59 GMT

Why God Loves Gays


When I last interviewed Facebook superstar GOD, his fans had just raised thousands to give his newly-bereaved father a holiday. A year later, they've raised almost $100,000 on GOD's IndieGogo page to fund a series of 'GOD LOVES GAYS' billboards in Topeka, Kansas - home of the homophobic Westboro Baptist Church, who regularly picket with signs saying 'GOD HATES FAGS'. I emailed the warmhearted deity to ask him some questions...

ME: Lovely to be back in touch. How the devil are you?

GOD: Hi Ariane! I'm glorious, thanks for asking! How about yourself? Still busting heads open and filling them with knowledge?

ME: Still trying, not always succeeding. Congratulations on raising so much on IndieGogo. But why did it take you over 2,000 years to tell gay people you loved them?

GOD: Thank you. I admit that I've been a lazy piece of poo. For a long time, I struggled with alcohol and drug addiction. But at long last, the LORD is back.

ME: Welcome home from rehab. In my experience, most gay people think you don't exist. Does this bother you?

GOD: Not at all! I used to be much more insecure, but I've worked on this quite a bit in therapy. It doesn't matter if other people believe I exist. All that matters is that I believe I exist.

ME: Amen to that. So: gay marriage is still illegal in 31 states. Are you hoping your campaign will change this?

GOD: Yes, certainly. I am hoping to move the spectrum further to the left. People don't need to be afraid of right-wing lunatics.

ME: Haven't you ever been tempted to unleash a plague of locusts on the Westboro Baptist Church?

GOD: In the past this would've been My first move. However, over time I've learned that violence doesn't change minds, it just causes more problems.

ME: I see you plan to run bus ads. The UK version of the Atheist Bus Campaign featured a bus driver who refused to drive a bus with the atheist advert on. How will you react if the same happens with your ad?

GOD: The LORD shall ask His fans if anyone wants a job as a bus driver.

ME: Lastly, what would you say to my homophobic parents, especially my father, who refused to watch Brokeback Mountain because "I only watch films with real men"?

GOD: I would tell them to pull the beads from their rectums and stop judging others. It is not okay to use religion to justify personal bigotry. I am the LORD and I love LGBT people very much. Why else would so many LGBT people exist?

The LORD has spoken.