I have considered dropping a dress size; in fact I tell a lie - I obsess about dropping a dress size and it's not because I hate the way I look it's because I don't think everybody else in our seemingly manufactured society would deem me acceptable.
I've lived in this body for almost 31 years and I've been smaller than I am now and I've been bigger. This right now is the happiest I've been in life. I live in one of the best countries in the world; I'm in a loving, healthy relationship but if I'm being honest, I would love a smaller sized body and I don't know that the amount of time I spend obsessing over it is for the right reasons.
I do not want this for the health aspect, more of the image aspect. The pressure to look a certain way to fit in with and to Keep up with the Kardashians so to speak is getting to me.
I keep thinking that I'm going to have to lose weight in order to avoid a confrontation or an insult. Although I manage to spend time in the pool or at the beach wearing a bikini without repercussions, embarrassment and no one recoiling in disgust & horror I'm still waiting for it to happen.
I embrace the person I am, my personality, quirks and what I stand for so why not the package it comes in? I feel like just because my thighs touch and my belly is abit wobbly that I'm undesirable and not good enough. What's even more f***ed up is that the package I think I should be presenting to gain approval from people I don't know is a manufactured one.
What am I hoping that comes from me losing weight? A weight lifted from my mind, a freedom from any anxiety I may be suffering from? Will things seem less daunting and intimidating to me if I weigh less? Will I feel less insecure and unsure of my ability to do things that seem overwhelming to me because I'm smaller?
When I was smaller I was still insecure, things didn't come easier to me and I was told I was too skinny. In fact I was miserable but yet I keep thinking that something magical will come of losing weight, like all my shit would suddenly be together because I was skinny.
I imagine being able to parade around in expensive MATCHING underwear, full of smiles, confidence and oozing sex appeal. Wearing sassy outfits paired with high heels (basically Rachel the Paralegal from Suits). Why is that only a possibility to me if I lose weight? Why can't I do those things now?
Being honest I think I want to achieve a big "wow" moment from my partner. You know what I'm talking about - he's lost for words and his eyes are popping out (have we not all dreamed of this moment?) I'm positive he loves me just the way I am but I want him to be floored by me. Is it ridiculous (and insulting to him) to think that dropping a size will achieve this moment? What if it didn't? And if it did would my life be complete or would I be off seeking then next wow moment? I don't even think that dropping a size would achieve this little scenario I have in my head as it isn't realistic. I think only a lot of training, restricted diets, airbrushing and good lighting would give me the desired end result.
The truth is I don't want to spend hours upon hours in the gym, I don't want to weigh out my food and I don't want to obsess about how my body looks to other people. I want to get more active, drink less alcohol (reluctantly) and become accepting of my body. I have days where I feel comfortable enough to go out in public wearing board shorts, thongs (flip flops) and a KISS t-shirt. I like to enjoy a few wines and eat delicious food. I just want to enjoy it without the guilt that comes immediately after it.
Could I live out the rest of my days in this body as it is without something terrible happening? It's not like my naked body is on display, up for debate so why do I spend a lot of my waking hours worrying about it? Am I a failure if I don't lose any weight? Am I not achieving my true potential by being heavier? Is it something I should be striving for? Or can I give up this obsession to shrink my body?
Deep down I know the answers to all of these ridiculous but real questions. I shouldn't care what people think and I don't need permission from anybody that I'm ok as I am, that's for me to decide. I can only imagine how much energy I waste thinking about this but yet waste it I do.
There's a saying somewhere "if you fail, you didn't want it badly enough", maybes it isn't important to me but I just think that it should be.
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Originally posted on Ashleigh's blog here