30/07/2014 09:32 BST | Updated 28/09/2014 06:59 BST

Why Don't Journalists Ask Comedians Really Cool Questions?

The worlds largest arts festival, The Edinburgh Fringe, is kicking off tomorrow and Benny, Lee and I are back for our 6th year with a show called Viva La Vida Loca Las Vegas. In the weeks leading up to the festival we've been interviewed by a number of publications and I've found that some of the questions we've been asked are a little stale.

"Did you always know you'd be a comedian?", "What can audiences expect from your show?", "How did you guys meet?", "Where did you guys get the idea to combine music and comedy?". SNORE!

Every year, every comedian participating at the Fringe gets asked a similar barrage of questions from a variety of journalists for a number of publications. Every year we answer them, without complaint, in the vain hopes that it will draw punters to our groundbreaking comedy shows.

Well I've had six years of these boring questions, I've had enough and I've decided to do something about it. So listen up Edinburgh Fringe journalists, here are several fresh and interesting questions that you can ask comedians.

1. Can you do a flip?

Journalists never seem to care about a comedian's acrobatic aptitude. Why? The ability or inability to do a flip is fascinating.

2. Would you like this treasure chest?

Few journalists ask questions about treasure. Everyone loves treasure. Whether that chest contains gold, emeralds, pirates bones or a series of smaller chests the public needs to know if we are interested.

3. Who would win in a fight between X and Y?

Comedians love nothing more than hypothetical fights between pro-numerals. Can we have some more of these questions please? Go V! You're the best V!

4. What is your favourite movie about apes?

King Kong, Planet of the Apes, Dunstan Checks in; the list is endless. Everyone knows that finding the right comedy show is all about finding synergy with a performer's favourite ape movie.

5. Is Emma Stone actually a genetically modified clone of Lindsay Lohan?

After Lindsay went cray cray Emma seemed to be on the scene filling in all those girl next door roles. Is she a clone? Is the Albanian government involved? I think we'd all like to know what Stephen K Amos' opinion is on the topic.

6. If vampires don't have reflections, how is it that they are so stylish?

This is a question that has plagued philosophers for generations. Maybe, if journalists asked the right people the right questions we might have an answer.

7. What's your saddest childhood memory?

Like Batman, every comedian has suffered a tragic incident that has led them to write the comedy show Edinburgh deserves (but not the one it needs right now). We need more origin stories in our lighthearted coverage of the festival acts.

8. Do you believe in reverse mermaids?

Human legs, fish head and torso; real or just wishful thinking? What does 2013 Edinburgh Comedy award winner, Bridget Christie think?

9. Do you have a good rub for slow cooked pork shoulder?

We all know that inside every comedian there's a Gordon Ramsay just waiting to pop out and abuse some kind of contestant. Is it too much to ask for journalists to ask comedians about preparing pork?

10. Do you plan on committing any murders during this years Edinburgh Fringe?

Every August in Edinburgh the murder skyrockets. Police are generally baffled. If we had some honest answers, from comedians, they might have some leads this year.

So there you have. Those are pretty much the best questions in the world and for all of you who are interested, here are my answers.

1. No.

2. Yes, please.

3. X.

4. Mighty Joe Young (The 1998 remake not the 1948 original).

5. Most definitely.

6. They have thralls to do the styling for them; there's a lot of trust.

7. Crashing my bike and impaling myself on the handlebars.

8. No and the concept is probably a little offensive to real mermaids.

9. Yes, you'll need 1 tablespoon packed dark brown sugar, 1 tablespoon chili powder, 1 tablespoon kosher salt, 1/2 teaspoon ground cumin, 1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon and slow cook that pork for six hours in some chicken stock with some sliced onions and garlic.

10. Not this year!