THE BLOG
30/12/2013 16:12 GMT | Updated 01/03/2014 05:59 GMT

Who Reads The Papers?

Social and political leanings dictate who reads what, and here's a rundown of which newspapers appeal to which people.

In Antony Jay and Jonathan Lynn's extremely funny sitcom Yes Minister, there was a scene where Prime Minister Jim Hacker, haughty civil servant Sir Humphrey Appleby and bumbling assistant Bernard Woolley discuss who reads the newspapers.

Nearly 30 years after that very accurate piece of social observation, although society might have changed somewhat, much of what was said still applies, newspapers will always pander to their readers prejudices.

Social and political leanings dictate who reads what, and here's a rundown of which newspapers appeal to which people.

The Daily Mail and Mail on Sunday

The Mail appeals to lower middle class and the grandparents of upper middle class people who thought Margaret Thatcher was the second coming of Jesus, bemoan the loss of the British Empire, think liberal teachers are turning their kids gay and brown people are colonising the Home Counties.

Although they're from different social classes they all have the same fear that in 20 years time Britain, sorry the European Union's Anglo-Saxon satellite state, will be governed by militant Muslims, Bulgarian pickpockets, homosexual paedophiles and hairy feminists.

The Daily Express and Sunday Express

Same as the above, yet Express readers have a strange preoccupation with the weather.....which is obviously being controlled by garlic chomping Frenchman in Brussels.

The Sun

Just like the Daily Mail, The Sun appeals to Little Englanders who agree with everything the Mail says, yet live on significantly smaller incomes and have low education levels, unlike Mail readers, flower arranging and Joan Collins doesn't appeal to them.

Sun readers tend to be male, work in the construction industry, think if a man doesn't like football then he's obviously a raging queen, enjoy ogling at girls with big tits, and hail Oasis as the best band ever.

The Daily Telegraph and Sunday Telegraph

Daily Telegraph readers are split between liberal conservatives and diehard Thatcherites, on the one hand you've got affluent fair-weather Christians in their late thirties and on the other hand you've got retired barristers and civil servants who are petrified of change.

Telegraph readers tend to be suspicious of the European Union (the Soviet Union in disguise) climate change (left-wing hogwash) and immigration (greedy foreigners sucking Britain dry) Oh, and Tony Blair (lying sneaky dickhead).

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The Guardian and Observer

The majority of the Guardian's readership consists of white middle class people who like to lecture everybody about how bad slavery, colonialism and the patriarchy is. They have an inferiority complex about Western culture, own a Palestinian scarf (without actually knowing anything about Palestine) live in regenerated areas of big cities, and call themselves Socialists yet have lucrative careers usually in the media, judiciary or civil service.

Guardianistas as they're known profess egalitarianism and freedom of expression, yet if you disagree with them you're automatically a racist, sexist, homophobic, Islamophobic fuckwit.

The Independent and Independent on Sunday

Same as the above, yet Independent readers are another section of society who have a strange preoccupation with the weather....which is obviously being controlled by right-wing racists and British Petroleum.

The Daily Mirror

Similar to the situation between The Daily Mail and The Sun, the Daily Mirror appeals to people of the same mind set as The Guardian e.g. borderline Socialists and Labour Party voters, but on a low income. Mirror readers are devout fans of ITV, religiously eat roast dinners on a Sunday and regularly moan about how Margaret Thatcher buggered up the country for all future generations.

They also think that anyone with a posh accent is every shade of evil and working class people are the salt of the earth.

The Times and Sunday Times

Despite being owned by Rupert Murdoch, The Times are actually pretty diverse when it comes to opinions and you can safely read the Times without thinking "Oh God, a George Galloway or gay basher is reading the same thing!"

Times readers are, on the whole, rationally liberal and can't be bothered reading the opinions of whining radical feminists, Peter Hitchins-a-likes or anyone who veers towards political extremes.

They tend to have enough wealth for ordinary people problems not to bother them, a diverse stock portfolio, know at least one person with a giant yacht moored in the Mediterranean and own various villas in Tuscany.

Now, despite what you've just read, if you're at a bus stop, airport or train station and you see a person reading one of these papers, remember to not judge them too harshly.