24/03/2014 13:37 GMT | Updated 24/05/2014 06:59 BST

How to Update Your Beauty Regime

If your hair's frizzy like mine I really recommend John Frieda Frizz Ease. And if your skin gets really dry and flakey, Vitamin E Oil by Dr Organic. Use Palmer's Coco Butter on your scars and stretch marks, cuticle oil on your dodgy fingernails. I like Essie nail polishes, but leave a gap before you spray on your perfume. Make sure you're using lady-deo so your fish market smells like a secret garden. Red lipstick makes your lips sexy!

So does waxing, threading and plucking your face, your garden, your arms, your legs, and everywhere that's not as smooth as red wine with veal and jazz. If you're hairier than you think you should be, try using a cream with acid, or maybe destroy your follicles with a laser, or take a pill to balance your hormones so that other people can look at you without being repulsed - don't worry about the hysterical depression that comes with it - it's worth it! Your eyelashes probably aren't hairy enough, stick on some giant wings with eyelash glue to highlight your eye-catching eyes.

Your cheeks aren't rosy but you can fix that with some powder that may or may not dry out your skin (remember there are essential oils for dryness.) If your eyes still aren't bold enough, draw around your delicate, precious eyeballs with a big black eyeliner pencil, and apply black painty liquid generously to the eye flaps you've added. If your skin's too light, rub in some colour or burn your flesh. If your skin's too dark, bleach it. Your hair is boring, peel off the colour and try a new one. Your cellulite's gross, try this cream that eats away your meat, then wrap your legs in a mud and cling film cocoon to try and smooth out those lumps.

You could do with a facial, maybe microdermabrasion? In fact your face is starting to sag, the worry lines are showing, let's inject some botox - aka botulinum toxin, of which 2 nanograms will kill you, painfully - right into your face holes.

Always remember: nothing about you came out right!


Copyright Courtesy of Bloody Horsey