26/11/2013 08:07 GMT | Updated 25/01/2014 05:59 GMT

What You MUST Do if You Go to France


What you MUST do if you go to France, by Michael Connell

I'd just checked into a fancy hotel in Paris. I walked into the ensuite, and there, floating in the toilet bowl was... well, I don't know how to say this in French... but someone had made a faux pas.

I hit the button to flush it but nothing happened. Looking for help, I walked out into the hall and waved at a passing maid.

I opened my mouth to complain, but then remembered... I didn't speak any French! All I knew was "please", "thank you" and a few basic phrases like "I am here on business".

I stood there stammering, trying to explain; "Avec... je suis... um... le poo..."

She stared at me blankly.

"OK, come see the problem." I said, waving her into the room and shooing her over to the ensuite.

"There, you see?" I said, pointing to the problem floating in the bowl.

Then, to show her the toilet wouldn't flush, I hit the button...

...and it did flush.

Suddenly I'm thinking "What does she think has just happened?"

Some weirdo has called her into a bathroom to say "Look what I've done!

Well, now we've both enjoyed my creation... I'll send it on its way..."

I panicked and said my only French phrase; "I am here on business."

"That's his business? Defiling hotel rooms?" She must have wondered.

The moral of the story is... if you ever go to France and you don't want to end up in these kind of embarrassing situations learn French. Or plumbing...

Now watch Michael Connell tell this story on TV:

About the contributor: Michael is a comedian, writer, motivational speaker and harmonica player from Australia. Although he's a not a social crusader, he recently completed a joint project with World Vision by performing "The First World Blues" at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

Read the rest of the stories he's published on bytestories here and click on the Subscribe button if you want to hear more.