05/08/2013 09:45 BST | Updated 04/10/2013 06:12 BST

SO Over This Heatwave!



Picture : Ehowhealth

Are you lying in bed completely naked in the starfish position with you're windows wide open and you're still hot? Have you got your first 'sula' (sweaty upper lip ALERT)? And, is your bag filled with four different water bottles? This British heat wave has definitely caused a dangerous behaviour pattern evident amongst all of us Brits and this bloody heat is the cause of it!


Cleavage sweat

Right ladies, we all know heat equals cleavage sweat. If you have a bra on in this heat it can be an utter nightmare! Not only do you have runways of streaming sweat dripping down from each bra cup, you also now have a pool forming in between your cleavage. Lovely. You just want to rip of that bra as fast as you can, but wait, the difficulty is taking it off. You're now having a tug of war trying to rip the damn thing off!

At work

Trying to use any form of electronics in this heat is just TOO MUCH. All the scanners, printers, fax machines, computers, shredders, every type of machinery has just had enough. They are all flashing red at you as they read 'TEMPARATURE TOO HOT'. Your computer decides to shut it self down. Just great. How are you supposed to get any work done? You might as well just leave work early?

Convenience goods

You can't take the heat; you need to buy a fan. PROBLEM. Every convenience store has run out because everybody bloody wants them! You're perspiring so much your bag now has seven different types of dove deodorant spray. Your bag is now full with items to try and keep you cool. Three cold flannels, which aren't cold anymore, every wet wipe that exists, two mini fans and the light mist from the Evian spray is just not doing it. You need a bloody hose!


You're so hot at night you're sleeping with all the windows open. You're lying stark naked on your bed. However, it is so hot, the air coming in is just MORE hot air. WICKED. You're lying there with your hair tied up but this is not enough. Oh no, there is more! You're continuously going back into the bathroom to get more and more wet flannels as you keep watering down your forehead as well as your whole body. You're continuously tossing and turning; the heat is just unbearable you end up throwing all the pillows and covers off the bed. You have now decided the bed is just too hot and you have resorted to sleeping on the floor for less heat. That is it, YOU CAN'T TAKE IT. You find yourself standing literally inside your fridge in the middle of the night. Yes, that is you standing there with the fridge door open with your head resting on one of the shelves as you try and inhale as much cold air as you can!


Picture: Sodahead

We are just not used to this heat in Britain, we can't handle it. We need to make sure we have a portable shower with us at all times and maybe a few buckets of ice. I say, no going into work when the sun is out, the machinery clearly can't cope. SCORE.