THE BLOG
23/07/2013 07:11 BST | Updated 21/09/2013 06:12 BST

Woah There, Can You Be That Fussy?

MY GOD, and I thought I was fussy? Are you that person who asks for extra ketchup or more garlic butter for your pizza at PIZZA EXPRESS, or do you want your dressing on the side?

Restaurants are usually places to spoil yourself with food you can't imagine cooking yourself. You're there to be served, looked after, to wine, dine, relax, and as Mickey Flanagan would put it, to 'enjoy the AMBIENCE'. Yes, your expectations of service are high, but no one could prepare you for such behavior from the flamboyant gutsy characters you were about to witness!

Seated in a small funky Chinese fusion restaurant known as Naga, you're surrounded in an atmosphere of utter bliss. The incense candles are burning; the music is a soft relaxing beat. You sit back on that oh so nice oriental cushion engulfing the fresh aroma's coming from the burning incense. Hmm, just heavenly. What a chilled vibe. In front of you, although the table is small, your excited to use the chop sticks that you have neglected for a while. The restaurant is not busy, but comfortably active. Beaming as you look down at the menu, you proceed to order starters and a few mains for you and your girlfriend to pick at.

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Portion control- picture courtesy of gbtimes

Once your food has arrived, you have 6 small sharing dishes to pick and mix with your friend. In the corner of your eye you see two vast moving human mountains walking through to be seated, one is on her phone and her voice is so loud everybody is staring. She sounds like she is shouting, and most of it, is in a foreign language, which sounds like Russian. Of course by choice, they pick the seats in the space right next to you. Typical. Both women are dolled up to the max. THEY HAVE GOT IT ALL GOING ON GIRL! fake eyelashes, bright red lipstick, and their hair sculpted into some sort of Anne Boleyn mess of a style.

Pointing at the menu, one of the dolled human mountains proceeded to order the food off the thinly framed Asian waitress. A 'normal' order would usually sound like this, "Yes, I will get the roast duck, pancakes, some rice, and seaweed on the side, and some dim sum to start ". However, this was a nagging fussy woman, who dissected and questioned every item she ordered and quizzed its flavor, taste, size, and even asked what the food looked like and how it was presented on the plate. Whilst being extremely demanding, the dolled up human mountain, chopped and changed her mind for about fifteen minutes before she decided on her massive order of practically over half the menu for both of them!

The feast arrived and the five, yes FIVE Asian waiters were holding their food on trays. Once the food was laid on their table, there was not an inch of space for anything else. Some of the plates were balancing on each other for support to make sure they all fitted on the table. Suddenly one of the moving mountains was flapping her arms around in the air, " Excuse me, excuse me, come over here we need a bigger table, I need more space, we want to relax". Your thinking, well maybe if you did not order so much you may have room to breathe! And wait hang on, no need to shout across the whole restaurant and wave those mountain ranges of arms!

A few waiters dash over and join two other tables so that they have more space. The moving mountains proceed to stuff their faces; their faces are practically in their plates. After two minutes, the next complaint comes. Of course, why wouldn't it! " Oh excuse me", says the moving mountain with the darker shade of lippy on, " the sauce is half gone and it is not hot enough". Are you actually joking? Yes the sauce is half gone because you bloody ate half of it and it is slightly cold because it has been out for a few minutes! MY GOD, this is getting hugely embarrassing, your cringing so hard in side as you witness practically all the other customers pointing and staring at the human mountains.

Oh wait, hang on, now the other human moving mountain obviously needs to join in and start another grumble! " We need more ice, refill's of ice, I need my drink always chilled! ", she remarks loudly shouting across practically the whole restaurant. Is this a joke? The ice you have has clearly melted and I am not sure the waiters want to bring out a bloody ice bucket for you to ice down that water you have there.

Why is it you can never go out and have a peaceful meal with a friend? There is always that one person or people that inevitability get the table next to you and create such a fuss. You can't even remember what you have eaten, if the food was any good, or any part of the conversation you have had with your friend. AMBIENCE...WHAT AMBIENCE?