It's difficult being a football fan. Spending your life scowling at the pitch, or the TV in the corner of a pub, hollering intelligible advice at 19 year-old millionaires with ridiculous haircuts. Worse still is after the games have finished, these guys go home to swanky penthouse apartments in the city, or in the case of Mario Balotelli, an ultra-modernist Teletubbies mansion. Where does that leave us, the loyal fans? Sitting in our cramped flats struggling to scrape the money together for yet another season ticket, in the wild hope that our favourite teams aren't facing the drop at the end of the season.
With the coverage rights of the EPL now worth an estimated £8.3 billion, what can us regular fans do to get a bit of the Premier League lifestyle? Well, David Bowie famously sang that we can be heroes just for one day. Taking his initiative, here's a quick guide that will allow you to get a bit of that (affordable) Premiership footballer action. Just for one day.
Like every successful footballer, you'll need to start the day as a winner. And nothing says winner like drinking liquidated wheatgrass. Every footballer worth his salt will have a Nutribullet in his kitchen to allow the comfortable consumption for fruit and vegetables. Some get ready to blitz some broccoli and avocado for breakfast before you even think about leaving the house.
You've eaten like a footballer, so now you're going to have to start looking like a footballer. Unfortunately a short back and sides at your local barber isn't going to cut it with the EPL crowd. The best thing to do is book an appointment at your local salon, and ask for your hairdresser to go wild in imagining their hair-based architectural dream.
You've eaten well, you're looking the part, so it's probably about time that you went to work in achieving that Grade A physique that is required of the average Premier League footballer. You have a lifetime of pre-game pints and halftime pies to work off. And if you're wanting to keep pace with the likes of Raheem Sterling, you're going to need to get in shape. Achieving a footballer physique will require military precision, so why not check out one of the country's growing number of boot camp fitness programmes? You're going to want to be in tip-top condition for what comes next...
We're three quarters through the day, and you haven't even kicked a ball yet. At this point you talk the talk, but do you walk the walk? The best wat to find out would be to get down to your local 5-a-sides and put your footwork to the test. Granted, slipping the ball past your brother on law, Barry, who's in goals with a bad knee won't quite equate to best Buffon in extra time, but at least you'll be able to practice your celebrations.
Now that you're all pumped up after putting 56 balls past Barry, it's time to get yourself a nutritious dinner. But you're a top-flight footballer, remember? We're not getting our dinner from Tesco tonight. Not even Sainsbury's! Tonight, we'll be following Man U winger Angel di Maria's lead and buying copious amounts of fizzy juice from Waitrose. The view from the top is mighty fine...
Now you've had a full day in the life as a football mega star (sort of). And you'll most definitely be tuckered out beyond belief. Success doesn't come easy, does it? Well, you can quite literally rest assured with a premier league Hypnos divan bed with pressure relief and better support than your average away stand.
So there you have it. The little things that are required to live the life of your favourite stars! I'll bet that you're now reassessing if Messi is worth the £250,000 he earns every week...