The final of the Eurovision Song Contest 2014 is nearly upon us. This year's final is on Saturday 10 May and comes live from Copenhagen - featuring last year's Danish winners, PLUS the beardy one off of Borgen!
It goes without saying that levels of excitement among those of us who take this kind of thing seriously have become dangerously high. Parties are being planned, continental snacks purchased, national anthems practised and costumes obtained (it's no use asking what mine is, but I will tell you this: come Saturday I will be unveiling a false moustache visible from space).
If, like me, you feel yourself becoming dangerously overstimulated by the promise of acts including Polish hip hop, Russian identical twins and an Austrian bearded lady, you may wish to prepare yourself by watching Romania's 2013 entry. On repeat.
Never mind that the UK's own entry for 2014 sounds dangerously like a rip-off of Coldplay's Paradise. The rules are that you don't mark your own - and Ireland will vote for us anyway.
And so to scoring. You will, of course, be doing this on Saturday, and it's important to use a system that allows you to mark each act on its merits. The BBC do offer an official scorecard for this purpose, but I've found over the years that this isn't really suitable for the kind of considerations that real Eurovision fans take into account.
If you value glitter and wind machines over small, inconsequential details like song quality, then this is the scorecard for you.
This scorecard has been formatted for handy printing. Please use unresponsibly.
EUROVISION 2014 FINAL - 10 MAY 2014
UNOFFICIAL SCORECARD
COUNTRY: .......................................................
SCORED BY: ....................................................
1. Song (0-5): ..........
2. Outfits (0-5): ..........
3. Choreography (0-5): ..........
4. OMFG factor (0-5): ..........
5. Bonus points - award one for each of the following:
Song not in English
Song in English, but very bad English
Cheesy modulation to a different key*
Wind machine
Pyrotechnics
National instruments
Anyone barefoot
Partial nudity
Awkwardly sexual
White piano
Jesus wept
TOTAL: ..........
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* if you're not sure what a cheesy modulation is, then listening from 3.03 to 3.20 of this Josh Groban classic should give you an idea