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Ten Ways to Bring on Labour - A Not So Helpful Lowdown

It is said to be sods law that if you are wearing your best knickers your waters will break. That's if you can bend down in the first place to get them on, and that they still fit over your expanded arse.

Fed up? Fit to burst? Can't remember what it feels like to be able to bend in the middle? Peed 25 times already today and it's only 10 O'clock in the morning? Ready to smack the next person who asks "haven't you had that baby yet" in the face?

I feel your pain mamma. I know you've already googled 'ways to bring on labour,' and at this point you are willing to try pretty much anything, so here is my lowdown on ways to bring on labour:

Image Courtesy of Mandy Greenslade

1 Sex

If there's one thing you are not going to feel when you are nine months pregnant its amorous. Or sexy for that matter. All your thoughts are about what is coming out of there, not what is going in. Chances are your husband has felt the brunt of your crazy hormonal mood swings, and is not really in the mood after you yelled at him for buying the wrong ice cream flavour. You wanted slated caramel, not caramel damn it. Put it this way, having sex to get the baby in there is a lot more fun than having sex to get the baby out.

2 Pineapple

Pineapple contains the enzyme bromelain which is said to soften the cervix in preparation for labour. You have to eat large amounts of pineapple for it to work. What quantifies as a large amount of pineapple? Half a pineapple? A whole pineapple? Two whole pineapples? No. Seven apparently. Seven whole friggin pineapples. What is this Man Vs Food?

3 Hot Curry

Spicy foods are said to stimulate the tummy and the womb. But don't forget it can stimulate other occurrences down there too! But hey, what's a bit of Deli Belly when you spend most of your time waddling to the bathroom to pee anyway. Give it a go, it might be your last hot meal for a while.

4 Walking

The pressure of your baby's head pushes down on the cervix and releases oxytocin, a hormone that can cause contractions to start. Of course, if you are overdue chances are your baby's head is engaged and walking with a head very literally between your legs is easier said then done. Off you waddle now.

5 Caster Oil

It acts as a laxative and stimulates your tummy and womb. As if you weren't already worried enough about shitting yourself during labour. Also, not recommended by the professionals. You know, the ones down the business end.

6 Nipple Stimulation

Said to release more of that oxytocin hormone that your body seems to be unwilling to produce of its own accord. So if you are bored of daytime TV go ahead, have a tweak! Although your far more likely to be horrified by the sight of your swollen, veiny boobs and wonder if your nipples are always going to be this big.

7 Balloons

There's a theory that blowing up balloons builds pressure in your abdomen and kick starts labour. Whoever came up with that theory has obviously never been 10 days overdue, and huffing and puffing after the short walk to the bathroom (yes to pee, again). And what are you supposed to do with all the effing balloons?

8 Birthing Ball

Bounce away, you never know it might shake things up a bit. Or You'll just stimulate your already way over stimulated bladder and pee your pants in the process.

9 Best Knickers

It is said to be sods law that if you are wearing your best knickers your waters will break. That's if you can bend down in the first place to get them on, and that they still fit over your expanded arse.

10 Nothing

Sit back, relax and ignore all (annoying) well meaning phone calls. Do all the things that you won't be able to do for quite some time. Paint your nails (not the toenails obviously as you haven't seen your feet for two months now). Read a book. Drink a hot cup of tea. Eat chocolate whilst you can still use the 'eating for two' excuse. Your precious little bundle of joy won't stay in there forever. Even though at some point in the not to distant future you will be screaming for the gas and air and begging them to stay inside.

My babies were 10 days and seven days overdue. Every day overdue feels like a week!

Did anything work for you or is it all just old wives tales?

This Blog was first published on Life Love and Dirty Dishes. You can follow Claire on Facebook here.