28/02/2013 07:37 GMT | Updated 30/04/2013 06:12 BST

Goodbye, Standards... And How to Bring Them Back

Ok... I was waiting for the funny to happen... and it never showed. We're used to it, I suppose... we suffered the unbearable Ricky Gervais as host for far longer than we should have had to.

But... wow... wasn't Seth MacFarlane awful? It's a tough gig, the Oscars. Actors, bless them, are precious at the best of times. A room of them, egos set to Code Red, is bound to lead to a failure in the humour supply line.

But defaulting to playground jokes about boobs, domestic violence, Jews? Our actor friends have a right to look miserable, especially during that compelling show-stopper 'We Saw Your Boobs'.

Take a bunch of Hollywood's finest female talent, the creme de la creme of their profession and reduce them to... boobs. That's right ladies... work as hard as you like... cut your hair, ugly-up, act your backsides off and yes, that's right... some day you will have the privilege of being reduced to being a pair of boobs at Hollywood's premier awards ceremony.

It's a tragic state of affairs that MacFarlane even made it that far, to be honest. It puts me in mind of what journalist, author and advocate Norman Cousins said many, many years ago. Writing about the demise of Saturday Review, a magazine he edited for thirty years, Cousins wrote:

"At one time people who worked in the arts would boast to one another about their ability to communicate ideas that attacked social injustice and brutality. Now some of them seem to feel that they have struck a blow for humanity if only they can use enough four-letter words... "

That man has it in a nutshell. The Academy... please stop forcing these faux-edgy losers onto us. Have some standards. Give Betty White the gig next year - the lady is a class-act. She's funny... she's gone way past proving her comedy chops. People love her, and she's a true professional in every sense of the word.

Let MacFarlane and his toilet-humour moulder in Ted 2, and we can forget the whole sorry show. Though some may argue, the only way to settle this particular score is to have Ellen DeGeneres singing 'We Saw Your Balls' at next year's Golden Globes.

Now there's a thought.