15/05/2014 07:57 BST | Updated 15/07/2014 06:59 BST

Cooking With Jack Monroe

I'm a really big fan of Jack Monroe, a blogger who writes for the Guardian on account of her making stuff on a really tight budget and stuff. She's great! And I'm in no way jealous or angry or miffed that she is now mega successful and goes on TV and radio shows and I'm sat here in Glasgow with no new IT contracts in a cold flat staring out the window into another faceless, grey day. And it's pissing with rain and it's cold, and GOD DAMMIT JACK MoNROE I'LL SHOW YOU AND THE GUARDIAN NEWSPAPER! I'LL SHOW YOU PROPER FOOD BLOGGING!!

But what shall I cook? I figure I need to somehow outdo Jack Monroe, who writes for the Guardian and busks with Billy Brag and sings songs about the Irish potato famine and....and cars; I need to take her budget cooking idea and take it a step further. I basically need to make some delicious food for nothing. Sod cooking on a budget! I am going to get all famous and write for a respected daily newspaper by this time next week by cooking delicious food without paying any money whatsoever.

But how?

When I was out in California last year I posted about foraging for wild ingredients and figure this is the only option available to me (or/and stealing). So without further ado, lets head into the bushes for my free Jack Monroe inspired urban foraging adventure!

I figure a good place to start would be to rummage around some bins:


This is where I ran into a slight problem because it was street collection day and there were bin men picking stuff up and they got suspicious of me taking pictures and before I could get my paws on the delights inside, the bags were taken away. Gutted Jack Monroe :( Gutted!

But undeterred, I wandered around some side streets and came across this promising chap:



On returning to my flat I examine my freshly caught ingredients:


2 empty cans Kronenberg, some cigarette butts, an old lemon! This free foraged meal is going to blow people's minds! I'LL SHOW YOU JACK MoNROE AND THE GUARDIAN NEWSPAPER! I'LL SHOW YOU!! FREE URBAN FORAGING IN YOUR FACE!

I begin by lightly frying my empty cans of beer in a frying pan with some oil and garlic:


To which I add the cigarette butts and lemon juice ...

The final step is to carefully present my free (you hear THAT Jack? F.R.E.E) meal on a plate:


Annnnnnnd how's it taste?

Actually it's really nice. The impossible, teeth breaking, hardness of the metal goes well with the desperately bitter, vomit-inducing, smoky notes of the ash from the cigarettes. And the lemon really cuts through the richness of the whole dish. No joke! Jack Monroe and the Guardian newspaper have got some serious competition! Any fool can cook on a budget, but only I, ME... I...ONLY I... can forage and then cook something as delicious as this on NO BUDGET! And I am not crying as I write this because I am NOT angry or bitter or sad or jealous about your success Jack Munroe and how you are what every food blogger aspires to be OH NO I'LL SHOW YOU JACK MONROE AND THE GUARDIAN NEWSPAPER! I'LL SHOW YOU!!!! THIS IS THE WAY OF THE FUTURE!

Well, that was jolly good fun, wasn't it? And what did you think of my amazing no money, free, urban foraging idea? Do you think I'll soon be writing for a national newspaper and busking with Billy Bragg? You think I am a mentalist? Oh, OK, fair enough. Well, maybe you can hook up with this mentalist on Twitter?

Also, erm, Jack Monroe is actually pretty cool. Anyone that calls Edwina Curry 'scum' gets my vote. So say what you like about JM. The girl's done good and I was only using her media persona as a cheap comedy vehicle for my rubbish sense of humour.

And, ahem, ONE final thing. I've entered the Observer food monthly awards and think it would be awesome if you went and voted for me here (bit of a pain to vote cos you might have to sign in first, but if you do vote I'll send you a free tin of cat food).