Top Five Things Dads Of Toddlers Actually Want For Father's Day

13/06/2017 11:03 BST | Updated 13/06/2017 11:03 BST

Socks and sandals, 'Man from C&A' styling and more 'Greatest Dad In The World' tats then you can shake an Alan Partridge-shaped stick at.

These are a few of my favourite things, as the songs goes. No, of course they aren't. Just because I am a dad, it doesn't mean my fashion sense has taken a backseat. Nor does it mean that I want to be inundated with pointless D.I.Y gadgets, novelty football tats, or anything to do with golf.

It's Father's day, the one day of the year that dads get to claim a bit of glory. And maybe just maybe - if we have been a really good boy, not be woken up at the crack of dawn with a 'Ninja Turtle' style attack to our crown jewels by free roaming toddlers.

So if you want to surprise your old fella, with something that makes his little eyes light up like he has just discovered that the cure for male pattern baldness and midlife spread comes wrapped up in a Victoria Secret's Model catalogue, a flask of tea and a locked garden shed - then this is for you.

Top Five Things Dads Of Toddlers Actually Want For Father's Day, That Money Can't Buy.

1) Mr Tumble, five minutes, a nail-studded baseball bat, a locked room, no witnesses, a rock-solid alibi, and the team of 'Waking The Dead' to help tidy up the mess - Those that know, know...

2 ) A gag reflex that can withstand the acrid stench of the explosive goo-coloured runs of a poorly tum.

3 ) The chance to go for a wee without the little people joining you. Or making eye contact, or grinning wildly and continuously trying to hit your whanger with their grubby little paws like some weird game of Piñata.

4 ) Be able to find the infamous 'lost' episode of Postman Pat where for once, the whole of Greendale turn on him, forms a lynch mob to runs him out of town after he is presented with a bill for scrambling a helicopter, to deliver a parcel two miles away.

5 ) Taking toddlers to the supermarket is, I believe, one of the main forms of torture used for many years at the Guantanamo Bay detention camp. Many of the rising stars of militant war zones have crumbled and grassed-up their entire families at the mere thought of taking your average three-year-old to Sainsbury's on a Saturday.

Unfortunately for humanity, it has yet to be outlawed so still continues to bring fear into the hearts of many. So this Father's Day, go order a takeaway and save everyone a whole lot of pain

So there you have it. Good luck trying to find that lot in the Dad section of


For more dad-related humour and stories check out Dan and the team at or join them at TotRockinBeats 'Dad La Soul' their festival of fatherhood on Father's Day