10/09/2014 08:13 BST | Updated 09/11/2014 05:59 GMT

Celebrity Nude Pictures - A Survival Guide


There are times during the course of any modern, loving relationship when you may feel the need to celebrate your love through the medium of photography, or perhaps, the making of amateur motion pictures. This is nothing to be ashamed of, and what happens in the privacy of your own home, or perhaps, workplace should remain private and confidential.

However what if said pictures should become available to a far wider audience than initially anticipated? What should you do? How should you react?

To help navigate this perilous social minefield we have prepared this handy etiquette guide.

1) Establish Validity

Take a moment to perform a personal stocktake. Is the person pictured actually you? More importantly is the person pictured obviously you? Check for any identifying physical features such as tattoos, piercings or birthmarks in the shape of Cyprus. Check geographical features. If the person pictured is lying on the chintz Cabriole couch your mother gave you just before she died, or frolicking with Buddy your three-year-old German Shepherd, then denying it might prove difficult. It could also signal you have security issues that far supersede the changing of an icloud password.

2) Establish Exposure Level

Consider the image from a purely aesthetic point of view. On a scale of 1 to 10, with one being grainy out of focus shots taken over the top of an ornamental topiary, and ten being unorthodox use of a root vegetable, how memorable are you being? Are you doing anything that may cause social ostracization, a new entry in the urban dictionary, or possibly creation of the hashtag #whatinthenameofhellaretheycoveredin. If so perhaps take a moment to indulge in a prolonged and lengthy explanation to close family and friends.

3) Call Upon Co-Stars

Now might be an opportune time for a conversation or brief social visit with any other featured players/performers. This could be your wife, husband, or perhaps even a life partner for those living in parts of the world that have yet to legalise marriage between adults of the same gender, such as North Carolina or Russia. If your co-star isn't your wife, husband, or life partner, but you do indeed have a wife, husband or life partner, then a courtesy call to them at this juncture might also prove wise.

4) Maintain a Noble Silence

Saying nothing whilst you undertake a conscious uncoupling from Twitter until the coast is clear, is a time proven tactic that may serve you well. So before rushing boldly forward into battle embrace a moment of serene reflection as you gird your loins for what is to come. Remember however that there is a difference between remaining cool and aloof, and skulking off to a corner and stamping your feet.

5) Take Action

The time has now come to finally take action. Choices in this category vary from confirming or denying authenticity, to challenging everyone on social media to a duel. Should you decide to confirm authenticity be sure to do so with your head held high, voice clear and un-quivering, or perhaps with a moment of self-deprecating humour. Should you decide to deny authenticity then do so loudly and frequently and try to make sure your face isn't actually visible behind the tumescent member of a famous sporting personality. Remember however to be 'on brand.' Are you a fiery go-getter who can spin this into a tale of empowerment by releasing your own artistically nude picture of you frolicking with Buddy the three-year-old German Shepherd? Or have you done a lot of work for Disney that may in fact be drying up in the not to distant future?

Whichever one you are, remember, that while your privacy has been cruelly violated, you can and will emerge victorious.

Dan Miles is the Cult bestselling author of Filthy Still - A tale of travel, sex and perfectly made cocktails.