Are Celebrity Endorsements the Reason We Only Get What We Pay For?

24/10/2012 12:40 BST | Updated 23/12/2012 10:12 GMT

Does anyone understand, like, or see the logic behind Brad Pitt and his bottle of Chanel no 5? I'm trying to figure out it if he wears it, Angelina drinks it or they bathe their rainbow children in it? Does any woman truly believe if she dabs it behind her ears, knees and around her throat that a "Bradalike" will soon come wafting down from the heavens and whisk her off to a life of love, lust and luxury? I thought not, and if Miss Jolie even got a whiff of Mr Pitt sniffing in someone else's direction, don't you think she'd turn all "Tomb Raider" on his ass. The best advertisement for Chanel no 5 is still Marilyn Monroe's unsolicited quote that it was all she wore in bed, people believed it and she didn't even get paid for saying it. When the perfumer Ernest Beaux was asked to create something that "smells like a woman", I'm sure he didn't have Brad Pitt in mind.

Celebrity endorsements do not carry as much cache as they did when stars where ethereally glamorous and untouchable. Hollywood has lost it's lustre and a superstar telling you to sniff this, wear that, swallow, guzzle and put this on your back just doesn't sell it like it used to.

I can't be persuaded that David Beckham only writes with a Sharpie. I believe he can kick a ball and I bet he's a great father but his skills with a pen? I'm not convinced. The choice of celebrity and the products they endorse can sometimes be a match made in money making media heaven but sometimes the pairing between star and product is as bad as going to an ice skating rink, being given someone else's skates and not knowing how to skate in the first place.

I like Eva Longoria, I think she's pretty, feline and cute. I don't however, think she eats cat food, or smells like a cat so there is no way I'd buy a tin of "Sheba" because of her. The advert for Sheba where she dances on a table wearing only a mini dress is as convincing as Donald Trump and one of his "Steaks". If I had a cat I'd feed it one of Trumps steaks and if I only ate cat food I bet I'd look like Donald Trump. Neither of these pairings are a good match because mini skirts and cat food and big haired men and our food, are never going to work.

I know what products I like to eat, drink, imbibe, wear and drive and a celebrity endorsement is not going to persuade me otherwise. When a luxury brand tries to go for the really big power players it can all go terribly wrong. Mikhail Gorbachev being photographed in the back of a limousine with a Louis Vuitton holdall didn't impress me at all. I always thought Margaret Thatcher was the 1980's politician known for carrying a handbag. However, Keith Richards in his hotel room with his Louis Vuitton suitcase hit me right where it ought to. Both seemed to be made of good quality, hard wearing leather and both have a reputation for being dragged around upmarket hotel rooms.

I don't like Pepsi, I never have done. Michael Jackson, Beyonce, Britney and a million others could not persuade me to swap my Diet Coke for a can of the syrupy stuff. I still associate Coca Cola with Father Christmas and I still hum the whole "holidays are coming" tune long after the advert has finished. Coco Cola invented Santa, his red suit and his big white beard. What "Pepsified" pop star could ever compete with that? Shampoo ads are a minefield of split ends and corrupt conditioners. I do not believe for one second that Cheryl Cole is "Worth It" whereas Farrah Fawcett used to be. I still dream that maybe I could eat "Breakfast at Tiffany's" (you can't) and that doesn't even come from a commercial. I have no interest in Hulk Hogans Burgers and the thought of JLS and condoms has put me off sex altogether. The Spice Girls advertised crisps, chocolate bars and Chupa Chups lollipops at their "we'll sell anything" peak, but could you imagine anything like that getting within an inch of Victoria Beckham's lips now? Adverts need to be believable, the products need to be good and the stars that are chosen to promote the product have to have a shelf life longer than the goods themselves .

A sports car won't make you grow a bigger penis and a spritz of Chanel will never bag you a Brad Pitt so don't buy into it. A smear of lipstick won't leave you looking like Kate Moss and all the isotonic sports drinks in the world won't give you thighs like Chris Hoy. Using celebrity endorsed products will not turn you into a happy smiley person or an international bright young thing but they may leave you out of pocket and with a personal injury. The paragon of "high end quality goods" (in as much as she has a very 'high end') that is Kim Kardashian was the chosen 'Face' of Skechers Toning shoes. She even went so far as as to say that the shoes had "helped to shape and contour her bottom", causing millions of deranged and deluded young women to rush out and buy a pair. Skechers have recently had to pay out $45 million in damages to settle claims which just goes to show, when it comes to celebrity endorsements, most celebrities are talking out of their ass.

The only way to protect yourself from this minefield of celebrity misinformation is look at the quality of the product against the quality of the celebrity, the appearance of the product against the appearance of the celebrity and finally the function of the product against the function of the celebrity. If they all mirror each other than you're buying into a marketing mans dream and that's the reason Audrey Hepburn was used to advertise Givenchy and Kerry Katona worked for Iceland.

In a world full of celebrity endorsements, just remember you only ever get what you pay for.