Madonna's Coming (Back) - Everybody Hide!

03/08/2012 12:10 BST | Updated 01/10/2012 10:12 BST

There's a new disease in town and although not deadly or likely to have you laid up in bed for weeks, it's gaining momentum and spreading from old girl to old girl, gay to gay. It doesn't seem to have affected middle aged men, they got over it years ago and teenagers are naturally immune, they couldn't seem to care less.

It's spread itself across London and headed across the channel to Paris, although the Parisians fought back and tried to boo it into submission.

So what's it called?

Madonna. That's the name, the moniker, the MDNA.

The new incarnation of Madonna seems very much like the one of old, except comparable to the 1980's strain when the plumpness was around her midriff and her buttocks, this new and deadlier virus has a swollen plumpness around the face. The overt sexuality and defiant but come hither stare is still there, it's just the eyes are a little more cat like now.Probably from years of having "real mink" eyelashes applied and then torn off. The body is now tight, toned and controlled, much like her humour, and the hair is now lush, full and bouncy, much like her body used to be.

I have never been infected by the Madonna virus. I've managed to dodge it for over three decades but I've seen intelligent, professional (gay) men lose all sight of reality whenever it's been suggested that maybe, just maybe, their undying love for the (100% blessed by Kabbalah) Material Girl is unnatural and misplaced. One detrimental comment against her is likely to cause "A Gay Gone Wild". If you don't get the word play with that last comment, it's probably because you didn't buy her last single.

My memories of her are firmly rooted in the 80's when she sounded fresh, new & exciting (and I was young, innocent and excitable) and this is why the older, harder and more experienced version (of us both) just cannot gel. She, with her millions, her toy boys, her change with the wind accent and her penchant for showing a nipple is coming across more and more desperate and I, without my millions, my couldn't get a toy boy if I tried, my cockney accent and a penchant for raspberry ripples see nothing in her that relates to my life or what's happening in the world.

"Oh look, Madonna's firing a pretend gun at her audience!"

You've been there and done that already Madonna.

"Oh look, she's got her hand down a wide eyed and 0% body fat dancers pants".

You've got the t - shirt Madonna!

"Oh look, there's her left nipple!"

I'm closing my eyes now Madonna. If I wanted to see a baked bean, I'd buy a can.

"Madonna dropped the F bomb ten times!"

For f**k sake Madonna, would you please f**ing stop it!

I'm not in a position to critic her work and I don't think I should. I don't know terribly much about it. I do not buy her music and I have never been to one of her concerts but she is always there, hanging around in the public consciousness. Her name is now bigger than her work and I don't need to know what she's getting up to because it's probably the same thing she was doing years ago, she's just wearing a shorter skirt. It's a sad day when the person you're copying and ripping off is yourself but what else can she do to entertain us? Everything else would be "reductive".

Do we really need to be shocked by the behaviour of a 53+ woman who still looks good but feels the need to keep telling us? The outfits would be shocking if we saw them displayed on any high street on a Friday night. We don't need to see them on a stage in Hyde Park on a cold and rainy summers evening.

I have no idea what drives her? Who knows? An artistic temperament should be applauded but isn't there a time when you've heard enough applause? A need for getting your message and opinions out there is also a good thing but there comes a time when everybody has heard everything you've got to say.

Sometimes Madonna, less is more, and I'm not talking about your bra straps.

I think of Madonna as an ageing Barbie but one where you can take the heads off and replace them. There have been so many incarnations she's like the Worzel Gummidge of the pop world. A constant need for reinvention smacks of insecurity and a desperate need for attention. Most of us change our hair or buy a new outfit but I guess when you're a huge star the stakes are so much higher and the pressure so much stronger. You can't just get a half head of highlights, you need to change your whole persona; but in reality too many heads will only spoil the pop star.

She is human after all isn't she?

She's not some mythical Medusa.

I've seen slutty Madonna a thousand times. I've seen blokeish, bookish, lesbo, hippy, lippy, grungy and boy toy Madonna. She's like the seven dwarves in conical bra's and a head band. I just wish we could see the real Madonna.

If only we could go back to the time when she was the name on every bodies lips, rather than the MILF who's making everybody sick.

Come back Madonna?

I don't think she's ever going to go away.