21/11/2016 10:17 GMT | Updated 21/11/2017 05:12 GMT

A Letter To Santa

Dear Santa,

I have taken the time to write to you to ensure my name has not mistakenly made it's way onto the naughty list, as I've been impeccably nice all year.

I have played with my little sister loads, sharing my toys with her once I've finished with them and deciding of my own accord (like a big girl) that it's time to swap, before facilitating the change over swiftly and effectively. My sister is not always happy about this but she's only little and doesn't know how to share yet. She will learn quickly with my expert tutelage and immensely advanced leadership skills.

I would like everything from Toys R Us - I've routinely spelled this out to my Mummy over the last three months, and reminded her every time an advert has been on the telly - I need to make sure that all the bases are covered as my Daddy says she's an airhead - from what she says, it won't be possible to have a reindeer for the garden - I've made my peace with this but I will lose my shit completely if I don't get a 'Baby Wow'.

I know there was that time I elbowed my sister in the face, but she was being a bit of an arsehole over My Elsa doll. I did apologise as I was informed that this is not an acceptable negotiation tactic. It worked, but I suppose you have to let some things go for an easy life, am I right?

My mummy has asked for a full nights sleep but my sister said 'she's got no chance' - to be fair, she's managed for the last year - I'm pretty sure she's used it now, so can she just have some strong coffee or a bottle of Gin instead please? She seems to like those things.

My Daddy has asked for peace and quiet, but me and my sister have vetoed that one, so can he have some socks that say 'Top Dad' on them or something please. He'll like those, and Me and my sister are working on a vocal piece called 'All the Words', that we're planning on reciting for him on Christmas night.

Can my sister please have a dolly as she keeps playing with mine - this is wholly unacceptable. It must stop.

Finally, the Elf on the Shelf you sent to us doesn't want to sing with me. Can I have a singing one please?

I do hope it's nice and snowy in the North Pole and that everything is running to schedule.

Thanks in advance.

Expectant Child.