23/10/2014 08:12 BST | Updated 22/12/2014 05:59 GMT

How to Handle Your Ex Moving on First

So the break up was excruciating. You and your ex went from hissy fits to full blown break ups and back again, but now you're done for good.

The lesbian break up is an astounding affair. It can either result in our famous "lez be friends" scenario, or go through a hormone induced, highly dramatic block-a-thon and selection of storm-outs that would make a pantomime villain proud.

So you go your separate ways and everyone pretends to be a grown up, when you see it... Your ex has someone new. And it's made your blood run cold. Now here's how to get over it.

1. Rage

Ok, I'm not going to give you the typical "Centre yourself, fill your heart with the love and light of our Bountiful Universe" crap advice. Firstly, because it's not the 90's and I don't write for Cosmo and secondly because it's useless. You're mad. Infuriated. And don't try to pretend you're not.

But instead of letting your heart fill with the burning anger of a thousand furious suns, embrace the embers! Because it f**king sucks. You're still in the "Am I sure this was the right thing?" portion and your ex has the audacity to find someone probably prettier than you. That bitch. It's strange, isn't it, how the person seducing the woman you love(d) is inevitably beautiful and flawless? Annoying that, isn't it?

So screw it. Go smash some glass bottles (safely) or swear at someone. Punch an inanimate object (Pillows, the sofa, a particularly sturdy floor rug rolled up into a make-shift punch bag). Physical aggression is a good outlet. So long as it's aimed at things without a heartbeat.

2. Rebel

Rebel and revel in things you couldn't before. Now I'm not talking promiscuous sex (although I'm not ruling it out) but more identifying what you weren't able to do with her, and then do the f**k out of it. She didn't like mushrooms? Well have yourself a shroomy feast. Make a risotto. Have a plateful of mushrooms stuffed with more mushrooms and shove them gloriously into your face in rebellion of her distaste for this wonderful food. Fill your bath full of mushrooms and have yourself a frothy broth of rebellion.

Ok, I went too far there, but you get the idea. Re-kindling the love of things you enjoyed before she shunned them from your life, whether it's food or cycling (bitches be lazy) or drinking heavily. Just go for it! In excess, and to worrying extremes. Which brings me nicely to my next point.

3. Embrace Obsessive Compulsivity

There's going to need to be some recovery time scheduled. Even the most genial, balanced of us are seething when we find out that she moved on first. So keep busy.

Cue distraction tactics Get really into something new. Like, obsessively. I chose cooking... When my ex moved on astonishingly quickly I mastered my roast chicken recipe. Every day... Baking, barbecuing, basting, you name it... I did it to a chicken.

I spent so much time considering whether ginger and chillies would be a good combination that my ex (that bitch) and her pretty-in-that-wholesome-way new girlfriend weren't entering my mind. So find something to occupy yourself with. Farmville - Or gambling - That will pop into your head first thing in the morning and stop you crying in the shower.

4. Be Bitter

Give yourself a break. Being stoic and battling through is denial... Accept that you're a raged, devastated mortal, because if you don't deal then you'll end up with a stomach ulcer.

5. Tequila

Ah, the deflector nectar. If all else fails, grab yourself a bottle and your more uninhibited friends... Then have yourselves a night you'll want to forget.

Seriously though, the main thing is time. Give yourself the time you need to digest everything and settle before allowing anything to scar you emotionally. Remember - No one gets to tell you how to feel. Take things day by day (bottle by bottle) and you'll be fine.

As for your ex? Screw her... If it was meant to be, then it would have been. She's someone else's problem now.

About the Author - E J Rosetta is an LGBT Columnist and coffee addict living in Hampshire with her spoiled cat, Hendricks. More ramblings can be found at or via Twitter - @EJRosetta